Tag Archives: astrology

Gluten-Free Astrology: Pisces (born February 19 – March 20)

I can hardly believe it, but we’ve made it through an entire year of gluten-free astrology! We started with bold, optimistic, energetic GF Aries, and we end, of course, with depressive, lazy, self-immolating GF Pisces. Aw, just kidding, you’re only those things some of the time.

pisces fish

A cheery lot, you GF Pisces are.
Photo © Rromir Imami | Flickr

On the more positive side, if you’re a GF Pisces, you’re well known for your intuition: gluten-free pals turn to you for advice on whether to try that new restaurant that says it’s gluten-free-friendly, and a certain rumbling in your tummy can always tell you if they’re in for a glutening. Woe betide those who ignore your hunches, because there’s a decent chance they’re actually supernatural (if you believe in that sort of thing—which, being a Pisces, you probably do).

On the other hand, those friends who do wind up sick after an outing can count on you to be by their bedside, nursing them back to health with nothing but sympathy for their plight. You’re deeply compassionate and empathetic, not at all an “I told you so” type.

Most unfortunately, despite their keen powers of perception and willingness to care for others, GF Pisces often lack the self care skills necessary to keep themselves out of gluten’s way. You hate to say no and therefore often head out to eat at places you know aren’t safe for you. Your loyal and generous spirit might even lead you back again, tempted by managers’ assurance that they’ll make things right this time. Sometimes, they really do. Other times . . . well, I think you can fill in that ending yourself.

To compound the problem, you have a distinct tendency to overindulge in the good (and bad) stuff, which might mean you wake up not only glutened, but hungover to boot. Bummer.

A dreamer but not a schemer, the GF Pisces is unlikely to be an enterprising businessperson in the gluten-free zone. You could, however, probably write a lyrical chapbook or compelling novel about your celiac experience, if you could ever get up the energy to do it. Maybe this month is the right time; I don’t doubt we have a snow day or two left in store when you might find the time to pick up the pen. Of course, in your day-to-day life, you also do your part as a one-man support system for your gluten-free friends in need.

gluten-free Goldfish Puffs

A handful of your GF Piscean brethren?
Photo © theimpulsivebuy | Flickr

Your ruling planet, Neptune, is god of the sea, and your sign—mirror-image fishes tied together (makes it hard to swim)—and special colors (sea green and turquoise) link you even more to the water. So if you’d ever like to pamper yourself in a relatively healthy way for once, consider booking a spot on a gluten-free-friendly cruise. There’s a surprising number of them available, if the Internet can be believed. (If you book a ticket, take me with you!)

Extremely emotional and changeable, there’s a fair chance you suffer from mood swings or even full-on bipolar disorder as a result of your celiac disease. At the very least, you’ve been known to shed a tear outside of a pizzeria or cake shop . . . or even just at the thought of your old favorite. That’s when your active imagination isn’t much fun.

Speaking of the old imagination, many of your fellow Pisceans are artists and dreamers. Here are a few to be aware of:

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Gabriel Garcia Márquez

Gabriel Garcia Márquez, born March 6, 1927, is not, to my knowledge, gluten-free, but he does hail from Cartagena, Colombia originally. Any bread he ate there would likely have been made from masa arepa (corn flour), cassava (tapioca root), and sago. However, he’s definitely sympathetic to our plight, not only because he’s a Pisces but also because he is, self-reportedly, “on an eternal diet.” He told the NYT in 1988, “Half my life I couldn’t eat what I wanted because I couldn’t afford to, the other half because I have to diet.” Most GF people can’t even afford to eat the food we can eat on our diet, so Pisces or not, we can relate.

Johnny Cash (eating cake)

Johnny Cash (in a bush, eating a cake)

Johnny Cash, born February 26, 1932, was certainly a Pisces: musical, somber, dark, and drugged out, drunk, and philandering. Sounds about right! But he was most certainly not gluten-free, because—from what I hear—no one, no matter how high, would want to eat an entire gluten-free strawberry cake made in the 70s by themselves.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius

Well, folks, that’s everyone! I’m not sure whether I’ll be continuing this series in another form after this—maybe you want me to start in on romantic pairings (ooh la la)—but I hope you’ve enjoyed the tour through the cosmos as much as I have.

From now on, if you have further questions about the stars, you’d better direct them to your local GF Pisces. If that’s you, you can volunteer your services in the comments.

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Gluten-Free Astrology: Capricorn (born December 22 – January 19) AND Aquarius (born January 20 – February 18)

Since I missed posting my usual personality analysis, predictions, and advice for gluten-free eaters born under the sign of Capricorn back in December, I’m mixing it up this time with a special double edition of Gluten-Free Astrology.

I’ll cover all the need-to-know facts about Capricorn and Aquarius, then we’ll play a little game with celebrities. Got a goat or a water-bearer in your life, or are you one yourself? Then read on!

The GF Capricorn

Capricorn’s symbol is the goat, and there’s a good reason for that. GF Capricorns are surefooted, able to pick their way over obstacles to reach whatever peak they’ve set their sights on. Like Virgos, Capricorns are organized creatures who set goals, make plans, and proceed steadily toward them.

goat silhouette standing on mountain

Calmly looking back at the path you’ve trod.
Photo © BR0WSER | Flickr

But Capricorns’ ambitions are often higher than Virgos’, and always less negotiable. While a GF Virgo might set up a safe, tidy, 95% gluten-free kitchen and allow his/her family to keep eating Triscuits, the GF Capricorn—uncomfortable with ambiguity—won’t rest until every last crumb has left the building.

You’re diligentpractical, and as stubborn as a Taurus, which combine with your rigid sense of organization and clarity of thought to make you, as I’ve said before, basically the best sign ever at being gluten-free.

Self-sufficient, you may volunteer to handle the food at professional and social events, but after painstaking preparations you have trouble letting go and enjoying the secure gluten-free party you’ve planned. Others may see you as distant or even controlling, especially when you’re slapping their hands away from your tortilla chips. Naturally a loner type, Capricorns risk becoming even more isolated once diagnosed with a gluten-related disorder—too bad, because inside, you honestly long to be loved. Spend this month working toward your goals, for sure, but don’t be afraid to make companionship a priority, too.

Black and white goat behind fence

Don’t get trapped by your gluten-free diet and health goals.
Photo © Rachel Groves | Flickr

The GF Aquarius

Like our friends, the GF Capricorns, you can be obstinate when you’re sure you’re right (and, since Aquarius is the Ravenclaw of the astrology world, you’re right annoyingly often). Also like Capricorns, Aquarius can come off as distant—in your case, because you really do prize independence over all else. For the most part, the similarity ends there.

Uranus

Your ruling planet, Uranus, represents the unconventional and unexpected—and it’s really pretty too, right?
Photo © wstera2 | Flickr

Where Capricorn is steady, Aquarius is zany, constantly changing directions and cooking up wild schemes. You’ve probably had so many gluten-free business ideas, you’ve lost count. Maybe you’ve even tried to make some a reality: tossing ideas around and getting to know potential clients is lots of fun. Tying yourself down longterm? Not so much.

The GF Aquarius is outgoing, a traveler, and willing to experience just about anything other than boredom. You love learning and sharing ideas and information: your sign, the water bearer, represents that passion. If anyone can manage to enjoy going gluten-free, it’s you: learning all that new lingo and science, mastering the baking learning curve, and enlightening everyone you know about what exactly is a “villus”? A fascinating challenge!

You trade tips with every gluten-free person you meet, put your rapier wit to work when someone criticizes our lifestyle, and try all the new restaurants. (You might get glutened more often than average, but for you, that’s part of the journey. Yeah, you’re a little odd.)  There’s a decent chance you’re a gluten-free blogger—and, if so, you’re very good at it, besides a slight tendency to overestimate your own expertise.

A little more trivia

When it comes to health, GF Capricorns suffer from stiff joints, rheumatism, and orthopedic problems. GF Aquarius struggles with arterial troubles, as well as shin and ankle sprains and breaks. I probably don’t need to tell you these are all symptoms of gluten-related disorders.

Now, time for a pop (culture) quiz. Here are a few well-known faces, some Capricorn, some Aquarius, some gluten-free, some not. Take a stab at guessing who’s who, then scroll down for the answers.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Lewis Carroll

Lewis Carroll

James Joyce

James Joyce

Oprah Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey

Drew Brees

Drew Brees

Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen DeGeneres

How’d you do?

  • Martin Luther King, Jr.: Capricorn (Jan. 15), not GF (he preferred southern food such as fried chicken and pecan pie—decidedly glutenous, but I’m sure you could find GF versions to make in his honor today)
  • Lewis Carroll (originally “Charles Lutwidge Dodgson”): Aquarius (Jan. 27), not GF (according to one biographer, he subsisted primarily on fruit, dry biscuits, and—in his younger, “greedier” days—cakes)
  • James Joyce: Aquarius (Feb. 2), not GF (suffered from mysterious stomach pains, often attributed retrospectively to syphilis, but who’s to say it wasn’t really that other “great imitator,” celiac disease?)
  • Oprah: Aquarius (Jan. 29), briefly GF (in 2008 she tried a 21-day “cleanse”; despite enjoying gluten-free waffles throughout, by the end she was “sure . . . happy to return to gluten”)
  • Drew Brees: Capricorn (Jan. 15), GF (and dairy- and nut-allergic too; if press releases can be believed, he loves So Delicious)
  • Ellen DeGeneres: Aquarius (Jan. 26), not GF (and rather annoyingly put down Gluten-Free Singles on her show in November)

Hope no one minded the double feature! (I’d never get away with it for Leo.) Next month is Pisces, the last in the rotation—hope you’re looking forward to it as much as I am.

Capricorns and Aquariuses (Aquarii?), duke it out in the comments, and if you liked the post, please share.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term). Celeb photos from Wikimedia Commons.

See also: AriesTaurusGeminiCancerLeoVirgoLibra, Scorpio, Sagittarius

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Gluten-Free Astrology: Sagittarius (born November 22 – December 21)

Some people have all the luck. GF Sagittarius people, specifically. Oh, you may not feel lucky, what with having to be gluten-free and all, but compared to the rest of us, your life’s a breeze! You manage to eat out more than the rest of us, yet suffer from unintentional glutenings far less often. Or you were one of those fortunate jerks who felt better straight after going gluten-free. Some people, the universe just loves more.

Okay, I’ll stop complaining and move on to the good stuff. This month, we’re looking at the GF Sagittarius, and really, what’s not to love? Good-humored, thoughtful, imaginative, and entertaining, you’re well-liked even by gluten-eaters. And you tend to like most people back…but from a distance. Above all, you love your freedom.

Your sign is the archer. Your aim is true; your skin is blue. (Probably a complication of celiac.) Photo © Migy illustration | Flickr

Your sign is the archer. Your aim is true; your skin is blue. (Probably a complication of celiac.)
Photo © Migy illustration | Flickr

Understandably, you’re therefore less than thrilled with your gluten-freedom and all of the constraints it entails. You love traveling, visiting new restaurants, and immersing yourself in interesting cuisines, and the idea of having to limit these adventures, even for your own good, really bugs you. You have a certain disdain for the mundane routines of everyday life—you wish to soar above it all—and upon diagnosis, likely felt shackled and dismayed. To cook for yourself every day, to lose the spontaneity you prize…! Oh dear.

Fortunately, among all the signs, you’re also the most optimistic, so I’m sure it wasn’t (or won’t be) long before you cheered up and began looking forward to the next adventure. Like your polar opposite, Gemini, you love new projects, but—unlike flighty Gemini—you engage whole-heartedly (or, rather, whole-headedly) with the pursuit, keen to fully understand it in all the minute detail that a Gemini would find unspeakably boring. Once you do understand it, you’re liable to move on before finishing, not because it’s boring, but because there’s always something even more interesting around the corner.

Though you and a Gemini may both have twelve different, opened bags of GF flour and a food scale collecting dust in your pantry, you would be able to speak earnestly and accurately about the nutritional and chemical properties of each, and what every gluten-free baking authority has to say about all-purpose blends. And if anyone has a question about flour, you’d be delighted to respond.

In general, the GF Sagittarius enjoys answering questions and doing favors. You’re the type to offer aid to a befuddled-looking fellow gluten-free grocery shopper, or to share your GF discoveries via social media. On the other hand, you’re not one to, say, lead a support group, or anything else requiring a long-term commitment. Just the idea of showing up for weekly meetings probably makes you itchy. Me, listen to the same people say the same things every Thursday night at 7 p.m. forever? you might think. Oh, no no no.

To some, this attitude makes you appear cold, breezy, or unreliable, but you’re not, really. (Well, maybe a teensy bit unreliable.) You just need to feel free to pursue your own gluten-free life the way you feel is best for you—and you extend the same courtesy to others. You’ll help when needed, but never badger.

Poised to puncture the gluten-free fad diet bubble, while a dejected (Cancer?) friend waits for you to pay attention to him again. Photo © Fabio Ricco | Flickr

Poised to puncture the gluten-free fad diet bubble, while a dejected (Cancer?) friend waits for you to pay attention to him.
Photo © Fabio Ricco | Flickr

You have high hopes for the future gluten-free community on a large scale, and big ideas for how to improve things, but you lack follow-through. Your enthusiasm is contagious, though, so if this month, you manage to partner with someone more attuned to the nitty-gritty (might I suggest a Virgo?), you might manage to effect some changes.

Given your love of eating out—which you’ve surely managed to continue after the initial shock of diagnosis—you might put your ability to think clearly and deeply through an issue (and to honestly lay bare the trouble spots therein) to a good cause by raising awareness in the restaurant industry. I’ve written about this topic myself, but geez! I’m a Gemini; I can’t be expected to stay interested long enough to DO something about it. If you lose steam, too, well…you at least will remain sure that it’ll all work itself out. That’s something.

Physically, the GF Sagittarius must watch for liver issues (which you won’t be surprised to learn are associated with celiac disease) and alcoholism. So put down that gluten-removed beer!

Finally, a long list of great Sagittarian writers proves how inventive and intelligent you all are: Jane Austen, Emily Dickinson, Walt Disney, to name just a few. (None of them were, so far as I know, gluten-free, but I’ve discussed what they might have written if they were.) On the GF side, there’s:

Ingrid Michaelson

Ingrid Michaelson

Ingrid Michaelson, born December 8, 1979, is an indie-pop singer-songwriter who writes fun Sagittarian lyrics (“The Way I Am” displays her love of new adventures, but is oddly accepting of romantic commitment). Back in 2009, she revealed herself to be GF by tweeting, “Why does everything delicious have to have gluten in it????” Again following her Sagittarian nature, she apparently immersed herself in discovering something delicious that didn’t have gluten in it, and in 2011 submitted a yummy-looking flourless chocolate cake recipe to Parade. Unlike some flourless chocolate cakes, it’s actually flourless.

Mark Twain

Mark Twain

Mark Twain, born November 30, 1835, led a decidedly non-GF life. His long list of favorite foods included “Hot biscuits, Southern style,” “Hot wheat-bread, Southern style,” “Apple dumplings, with real cream,” and “All sorts of American pastry.” However, in a birthday speech in his seventies, he shared that, “In the manner of diet—I have been persistently strict in sticking to the things which didn’t agree with me until one or the other of us got the best of it.” What this tells me is that Twain spent a lifetime battling with unpleasant consequences of eating things he shouldn’t have. Surely one of those was gluten.

I’d love to tell you more, but not being a Sagittarius, I’m unwilling to research this topic any further. If you or a friend are a GF Sagittarius, please share—and let me know what I missed.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio

GF Sagittariuses, please share your ever-honest feedback in the comments. And if you want to get all of my future posts (astrology and otherwise), feel free to follow me via Twitter, Facebook, or email.

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Gluten-Free Astrology: Scorpio (Born October 23 – November 21)

I’m about to make some easily-angered people really angry, but I can’t help but say this: scorpions are disgusting. I know they’re the symbol of the Gluten-Free Scorpio, but I can’t look at this Flickr feed for another second. Here, take this horrifying picture of a scorpion on a keyboard.

2295820345_90a02fcc0a

Ewwwww.
Photo © jon.hendry | Flickr

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s move on (if we can—Scorpios rarely do). This month is all about the GF Scorpio, and since you Scorpio types love spirituality, the occult, exploring the mysteries of the universe, I’m sure you’re pumped.

I could be wrong about that, though, because Scorpio is apparently the most commonly misunderstood zodiac sign. This makes sense, because the Scorpio I know best has never really struck me as controlling, jealous, brooding, turbulent, or dangerous. Guess Mom has just been presenting me with the “calm and smiling face she shows the world” all my life. I also never realized she was psychic.

On the other hand, any Scrabble or Words With Friends opponent would confirm that “fierce competitor” sounds about right. As far as psychic goes, she did usually seem to know, even from upstairs, when I was leaving the house without a coat.

Since I now know my mother has been hiding a vengeful, easily-enraged side, I’ll move on now lest I offend. Anyway, my dear envious Scorpios, you probably want me to focus on offending YOU. Here goes.

The GF Scorpio can be a bit obsessive and micromangerial, but is also flexible enough to rapidly adapt to (and gain control over) new situations. Obviously, therefore, you’re pretty good at this gluten-free thing. You may not have been particularly phased by learning you’d have to do it.

You believe in destiny, making you less likely than any other sign to rebel against the inevitable or go hunting for reasons why you can’t eat gluten (like birth month or breastfeeding…sorry again, Mom). But accepting it’s meant to be doesn’t stop you from aspiring to more. Imagination and persistence come together in you in just such a way as to convince you that your raised consciousness of gluten has also raised you to a higher purpose. You want to feed the gluten-free hungry (all of them), or rid the world of celiac ignorance (all of it), or find a cure for celiac—singlehandedly, of course. Magnetic, passionate, and just a bit domineering, you just might manage it.

When you care about something, you tend to dig deep, commit fully, and get your way. This month, try not to fall prey to a typical failing: wasting your energy on matters not worth it. Sure, you could spend your time convincing your local supermarket to stop shelving the Bob’s Red Mill vital wheat gluten in the gluten-free section, or running a smear campaign against the manager who rolled her eyes when you first made the request—and I’m sure you’d succeed in both. But could you not aspire to more?

I certainly hope you will, since your passion is an asset our community can’t afford to lose. Though you’re well known as a grudge-holder, you also remember and repay the favors you’ve been given. This month, look back on the times you (yes, even you) needed help from our fabulous community. Remember to give back.

chrysanthemum

One of your associated flowers is the chrysanthemum, which is a whole lot prettier than a scorpion.
Photo © Alex | Flickr

By the way, since you’re into this sort of thing, your magical birthstone is the topaz. It protects against enemies (fortunately, since you tend to make them) and illness (also fortunate—just think how many diseases you would have had on top of the one[s] you already do, without the help of your birthstone).

Your ruling planet is Pluto, god of the netherworld, so this month, though it’s a bit awkward, I must caution you to watch out for your…ahem…nether regions. Urinary tract infections are more common in folks with celiac, as is hyperoxaluria, and in GF Scorpios, the situation’s even worse. Luckily, cranberry juice is gluten-free.

Tons of visionaries, leaders, and all-around great people are Scorpios—GF to a greater or lesser degree. Hillary Rodham Clinton, for example, has been known to indulge in a gluten-free (vegan) cake in deference to her husband and daughter’s “gluten allergy,” as an NFCA brief delicately put it back in 2012Whoopi Goldberg shows no signs of going gluten-free but did find it in her heart to enjoy the GF pulled pork her old cohost Hasselbeck made for her (though isn’t pulled pork usually GF?). Finally, Meg Ryan‘s character in When Harry Met Sally is an icon (or nightmare) for special-diet restaurant guests everywhere.

Here are a couple more GF Scorpio celebs to prove how successful y’all are:

Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts, born October 28, 1967, is one of the highest-paid actresses in the world, which fits with her Scorpio ambition and ability to amass wealth. She also gets named one of People‘s most beautiful, like, all the time. Back in August of 2012, she was experimenting with a gluten-free diet, and though she claimed to her interviewer not to be “crazed” about it, I think we’ve learned enough about GF Scorpios at this point to know better.

François-Marie Arouet Voltaire

François-Marie Arouet Voltaire

Voltaire, born November 21, 1694, was not gluten-free so far as I know. However, notwithstanding his varied and successful intellectual career, he was often physically ill, especially with digestive issues, and stands accused by at least one biographer of being a hypochondriac (and depressed). Sound familiar? Perhaps if he’d lived today, he’d be a GF Scorpio after all.

And that’s it from me. If you or a friend are a gluten-free Scorpio, please share!

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra

GF Scorpios, please direct all death threats for revealing your secrets to the comments section. Any and all other feedback is welcome, too.

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