Tag Archives: horoscope

Gluten-Free Astrology: Pisces (born February 19 – March 20)

I can hardly believe it, but we’ve made it through an entire year of gluten-free astrology! We started with bold, optimistic, energetic GF Aries, and we end, of course, with depressive, lazy, self-immolating GF Pisces. Aw, just kidding, you’re only those things some of the time.

pisces fish

A cheery lot, you GF Pisces are.
Photo © Rromir Imami | Flickr

On the more positive side, if you’re a GF Pisces, you’re well known for your intuition: gluten-free pals turn to you for advice on whether to try that new restaurant that says it’s gluten-free-friendly, and a certain rumbling in your tummy can always tell you if they’re in for a glutening. Woe betide those who ignore your hunches, because there’s a decent chance they’re actually supernatural (if you believe in that sort of thing—which, being a Pisces, you probably do).

On the other hand, those friends who do wind up sick after an outing can count on you to be by their bedside, nursing them back to health with nothing but sympathy for their plight. You’re deeply compassionate and empathetic, not at all an “I told you so” type.

Most unfortunately, despite their keen powers of perception and willingness to care for others, GF Pisces often lack the self care skills necessary to keep themselves out of gluten’s way. You hate to say no and therefore often head out to eat at places you know aren’t safe for you. Your loyal and generous spirit might even lead you back again, tempted by managers’ assurance that they’ll make things right this time. Sometimes, they really do. Other times . . . well, I think you can fill in that ending yourself.

To compound the problem, you have a distinct tendency to overindulge in the good (and bad) stuff, which might mean you wake up not only glutened, but hungover to boot. Bummer.

A dreamer but not a schemer, the GF Pisces is unlikely to be an enterprising businessperson in the gluten-free zone. You could, however, probably write a lyrical chapbook or compelling novel about your celiac experience, if you could ever get up the energy to do it. Maybe this month is the right time; I don’t doubt we have a snow day or two left in store when you might find the time to pick up the pen. Of course, in your day-to-day life, you also do your part as a one-man support system for your gluten-free friends in need.

gluten-free Goldfish Puffs

A handful of your GF Piscean brethren?
Photo © theimpulsivebuy | Flickr

Your ruling planet, Neptune, is god of the sea, and your sign—mirror-image fishes tied together (makes it hard to swim)—and special colors (sea green and turquoise) link you even more to the water. So if you’d ever like to pamper yourself in a relatively healthy way for once, consider booking a spot on a gluten-free-friendly cruise. There’s a surprising number of them available, if the Internet can be believed. (If you book a ticket, take me with you!)

Extremely emotional and changeable, there’s a fair chance you suffer from mood swings or even full-on bipolar disorder as a result of your celiac disease. At the very least, you’ve been known to shed a tear outside of a pizzeria or cake shop . . . or even just at the thought of your old favorite. That’s when your active imagination isn’t much fun.

Speaking of the old imagination, many of your fellow Pisceans are artists and dreamers. Here are a few to be aware of:

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Gabriel Garcia Márquez

Gabriel Garcia Márquez, born March 6, 1927, is not, to my knowledge, gluten-free, but he does hail from Cartagena, Colombia originally. Any bread he ate there would likely have been made from masa arepa (corn flour), cassava (tapioca root), and sago. However, he’s definitely sympathetic to our plight, not only because he’s a Pisces but also because he is, self-reportedly, “on an eternal diet.” He told the NYT in 1988, “Half my life I couldn’t eat what I wanted because I couldn’t afford to, the other half because I have to diet.” Most GF people can’t even afford to eat the food we can eat on our diet, so Pisces or not, we can relate.

Johnny Cash (eating cake)

Johnny Cash (in a bush, eating a cake)

Johnny Cash, born February 26, 1932, was certainly a Pisces: musical, somber, dark, and drugged out, drunk, and philandering. Sounds about right! But he was most certainly not gluten-free, because—from what I hear—no one, no matter how high, would want to eat an entire gluten-free strawberry cake made in the 70s by themselves.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius

Well, folks, that’s everyone! I’m not sure whether I’ll be continuing this series in another form after this—maybe you want me to start in on romantic pairings (ooh la la)—but I hope you’ve enjoyed the tour through the cosmos as much as I have.

From now on, if you have further questions about the stars, you’d better direct them to your local GF Pisces. If that’s you, you can volunteer your services in the comments.

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Gluten-Free Astrology: Scorpio (Born October 23 – November 21)

I’m about to make some easily-angered people really angry, but I can’t help but say this: scorpions are disgusting. I know they’re the symbol of the Gluten-Free Scorpio, but I can’t look at this Flickr feed for another second. Here, take this horrifying picture of a scorpion on a keyboard.


Photo © jon.hendry | Flickr

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s move on (if we can—Scorpios rarely do). This month is all about the GF Scorpio, and since you Scorpio types love spirituality, the occult, exploring the mysteries of the universe, I’m sure you’re pumped.

I could be wrong about that, though, because Scorpio is apparently the most commonly misunderstood zodiac sign. This makes sense, because the Scorpio I know best has never really struck me as controlling, jealous, brooding, turbulent, or dangerous. Guess Mom has just been presenting me with the “calm and smiling face she shows the world” all my life. I also never realized she was psychic.

On the other hand, any Scrabble or Words With Friends opponent would confirm that “fierce competitor” sounds about right. As far as psychic goes, she did usually seem to know, even from upstairs, when I was leaving the house without a coat.

Since I now know my mother has been hiding a vengeful, easily-enraged side, I’ll move on now lest I offend. Anyway, my dear envious Scorpios, you probably want me to focus on offending YOU. Here goes.

The GF Scorpio can be a bit obsessive and micromangerial, but is also flexible enough to rapidly adapt to (and gain control over) new situations. Obviously, therefore, you’re pretty good at this gluten-free thing. You may not have been particularly phased by learning you’d have to do it.

You believe in destiny, making you less likely than any other sign to rebel against the inevitable or go hunting for reasons why you can’t eat gluten (like birth month or breastfeeding…sorry again, Mom). But accepting it’s meant to be doesn’t stop you from aspiring to more. Imagination and persistence come together in you in just such a way as to convince you that your raised consciousness of gluten has also raised you to a higher purpose. You want to feed the gluten-free hungry (all of them), or rid the world of celiac ignorance (all of it), or find a cure for celiac—singlehandedly, of course. Magnetic, passionate, and just a bit domineering, you just might manage it.

When you care about something, you tend to dig deep, commit fully, and get your way. This month, try not to fall prey to a typical failing: wasting your energy on matters not worth it. Sure, you could spend your time convincing your local supermarket to stop shelving the Bob’s Red Mill vital wheat gluten in the gluten-free section, or running a smear campaign against the manager who rolled her eyes when you first made the request—and I’m sure you’d succeed in both. But could you not aspire to more?

I certainly hope you will, since your passion is an asset our community can’t afford to lose. Though you’re well known as a grudge-holder, you also remember and repay the favors you’ve been given. This month, look back on the times you (yes, even you) needed help from our fabulous community. Remember to give back.


One of your associated flowers is the chrysanthemum, which is a whole lot prettier than a scorpion.
Photo © Alex | Flickr

By the way, since you’re into this sort of thing, your magical birthstone is the topaz. It protects against enemies (fortunately, since you tend to make them) and illness (also fortunate—just think how many diseases you would have had on top of the one[s] you already do, without the help of your birthstone).

Your ruling planet is Pluto, god of the netherworld, so this month, though it’s a bit awkward, I must caution you to watch out for your…ahem…nether regions. Urinary tract infections are more common in folks with celiac, as is hyperoxaluria, and in GF Scorpios, the situation’s even worse. Luckily, cranberry juice is gluten-free.

Tons of visionaries, leaders, and all-around great people are Scorpios—GF to a greater or lesser degree. Hillary Rodham Clinton, for example, has been known to indulge in a gluten-free (vegan) cake in deference to her husband and daughter’s “gluten allergy,” as an NFCA brief delicately put it back in 2012Whoopi Goldberg shows no signs of going gluten-free but did find it in her heart to enjoy the GF pulled pork her old cohost Hasselbeck made for her (though isn’t pulled pork usually GF?). Finally, Meg Ryan‘s character in When Harry Met Sally is an icon (or nightmare) for special-diet restaurant guests everywhere.

Here are a couple more GF Scorpio celebs to prove how successful y’all are:

Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts, born October 28, 1967, is one of the highest-paid actresses in the world, which fits with her Scorpio ambition and ability to amass wealth. She also gets named one of People‘s most beautiful, like, all the time. Back in August of 2012, she was experimenting with a gluten-free diet, and though she claimed to her interviewer not to be “crazed” about it, I think we’ve learned enough about GF Scorpios at this point to know better.

François-Marie Arouet Voltaire

François-Marie Arouet Voltaire

Voltaire, born November 21, 1694, was not gluten-free so far as I know. However, notwithstanding his varied and successful intellectual career, he was often physically ill, especially with digestive issues, and stands accused by at least one biographer of being a hypochondriac (and depressed). Sound familiar? Perhaps if he’d lived today, he’d be a GF Scorpio after all.

And that’s it from me. If you or a friend are a gluten-free Scorpio, please share!

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra

GF Scorpios, please direct all death threats for revealing your secrets to the comments section. Any and all other feedback is welcome, too.

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Gluten-Free Astrology: Leo (July 23 — August 22)

I’ve decided, after some deliberation, to skip Gluten-Free Leo. You’re full enough of yourselves as it is, and I’ve got better things to do. See ya next month for Virgo!

…Of course, I’m just kidding. You guys are great; no one could ever skip over you! You’re so fun! So lovable! So good looking! I just love to stroke that enormous ego—I mean, magnificent mane—of yours, my little lions. You’re even cuter when you purr.

Photo ©  Julie Egeland | Flickr

Photo © Julie Egeland | Flickr

Now that I’ve got your attention—and yes, flattery is the only foolproof way to gain the regal ear of a GF Leo—here’s what the constellations have to say about those glorious gluten-hating guts.

As a GF Leo, you have a big personality. You are magnetic, gregarious, bombastic, and extraordinarily charming—when you’re not making a huge pain of yourself with your equally extraordinary demands on the time and attention of everyone around you. Such demands strike you at least as reasonable, because you consider yourself the monarch of your own gluten-free kingdom (which, unlike in the Disney version, consists of all that the light touches and everything that’s left over).

As such, you don’t so much appreciate having your gluten-free needs met as expect it, regardless of venue, language barrier, amount (or absence) of advance notice, type of cuisine, and Yelp reviews. I mean, maybe they’ve glutened a peon or two, but they wouldn’t dare cross-contaminate your gluten-free sandwich, right? And, um, while they’re at it, would it kill them to refill your glass a little more often? You must have finished your Bard’s a full sixty seconds ago.

Photo © Luke Fritz | Flickr

Photo © Luke Fritz | Flickr

I don’t mean to be hard on you—I wouldn’t want to risk it, in fact. Like your Cancer horological neighbors, you’re pretty sensitive (to gluten and perceived slights alike)—but unlike the crab, you don’t hide your hurt away. Instead, your leonine pride, when crossed, erupts into a roaring, indignant wrath—although with appropriate groveling it dissipates quickly. (Upon accidental gluten consumption, GF Leos often display signs of the infamous “celiac rage,” which resolves itself most efficiently when a tender slave—uh, family member or friend—is there by their side to pet the pain away.)

GF Leo is associated with the back, the spine, and (naturally) the heart, so you may struggle with back pain or perhaps even scoliosis, which is thought by at least some researchers to be associated with celiac disease. Celiac disease has also been associated with greater risk of heart disease, although another study has found celiac disease to be linked with lower risk of heart disease. Rather like astrology, it’s all far too ambiguous and conflicting for you to care, even if you are affected by it.

GF Leos are much more concerned with the big picture and with taking control of it, whatever it may be. Though you aren’t exactly the type to work hard—you’re more into the playing part—you do love to lead and (I must admit) are often well suited to it. I hope that you use your interpersonal powers for good: GF Leos belong in politics pushing gluten-free labeling legislation through the maze of red tape, or at the head of the General Mills boardroom table figuring out how to make Cheerios gluten-free. Barring that, at the very least you should be getting out into your community and getting local business owners excited to provide gluten-free goods. Or maybe taking your GF agenda to the big screen or the stage, where your creativity and exuberance fit in perfectly. Much like your fellow famous GF Leos below, you live for the spotlight.

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton—you know all about him from my Presidents Day post. Yes, he’s (mostly) gluten-free; yes, he’s a Leo (born August 19th); and YES, he’s charming. Just ask M…okay, okay, I suppose he’s done his time for that one.


Madonna, born August 16th, 1958, is one of those GF celebs for whom the stars truly do seem perfect aligned. I mean, of course Madonna is a Leo. And of course Madonna has experimented with eating gluten-free (and had a joint gluten-free birthday party with her son, then turning ten). Did you ever doubt it?

Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte, born August 15th, 1769, was not a GF Leo. He liked bread baskets, fried foods, pastries, and pasta. When it came to food, he was more inclined to efficiency than anything so frivolous as texture or taste. (In all fairness, he did keep himself pretty busy with typical Leo pursuits.)However, you may be intrigued to know that scientists (tired of attempting to solve living people’s health problems) determined in 2007 that Napoleon died of gastric cancer, possibly triggered by Helicobacter pylori infection. Given that H pylori does not seem to be more prevalent in people with celiac disease than anyone else, and that gastric cancer is one of very few cancers that celiac disease doesn’t seem to be associated with, all of this means, for our purposes, absolutely nothing. That said, if Napoleon were living today with longterm unexplained pain such as he must have experienced with an advanced case of stomach cancer, he’d almost certainly be trying a gluten-free diet, don’t you think?

I know you want to keep hearing all about YOU, but that’s all for now, folks.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer

Some of my closest friends are Leos, which means that every little joke I’ve made at their expense here is okay…right? If you’re a Leo whose pride this post has either hurt or soothed, let me know in the comments. And tell me what gluten-free passion projects you’ll be heading up this month, too.

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Gluten-Free Astrology: Cancer (born June 21 – July 22)

Omigosh, my dear GF Cancers, you who are the worst possible sign to flake out on, I find that I am one day late in devoting this post to you. I had my dates confused and thought I was on time, but alas—my distracted Gemini core must have trumped my Taurus-cusp dependability. Or it was brain fog.

Whatever the excuse, I’m here now, so stop pouting and listen up. Here’s what this month has got in store for the lovable crab.

Photo © cliff1066™ | Flickr

Photo © cliff1066™ | Flickr

As a GF Cancer, you are emotional, nurturing, and fiercely loyal: traits that sometimes manifest as overbearing and possessive. You forge bonds for life, so you probably shed tears over your gluten-free prescription, scared it might strain your social relationships or bar you from enjoying your treasured restaurants and traditions. Once committed to a thing, though, you never let go, and so it is with gluten-free. You likely pledged allegiance early on to one flour blend or brand, and you seek every opportunity to break gluten-free bread with your lived ones.

Although you prefer to invite friends into the bosom of your safe, comforting cooking at home, you’d balk at being left out of any of their gatherings simply because of your diet. So, more than many, you may be inclined to eat out and chance the cross-contamination. Still, because of your deep-seated anxiety and pessimistic outlook, you approach every meal with the niggling sensation you’ll end it running for the toilet. At times, this makes you a sullen, brooding companion, picking at your food suspiciously. At other times, you seek constant reassurance that the dish you were served is gluten-free. When mistakes do happen, your early anticipation of the worst doesn’t save you from going into a full-on sulk. Still, your closest friends know better than to leave you out of an invitation: your sensitive side will come out in full force should your company be rejected. Clingy? Well, a little.

More vulnerable than most to feeling lonely or left out, your desire for connectedness may have led you to join a support group or other gluten-free network. If not, this month might be just the time. You may find a satisfying sense of community at, for example, one of several Celebrate Celiac events going on this summer. If one will be in your vicinity, check it out and enjoy the feeling (as only a Cancer can) of being surrounded by potential new friends who understand your troubles. I’ll be at the New York event in July!

Even more than any other gluten-freer, GF Cancers are likely to have gastrointestinal troubles, sometimes even in the absence of gluten. Take it easy on your gut this month, but don’t let your anxiety cripple your social life. If you do run into tummy trouble, you’re likely to have several friends waiting in the wings to nurse you back to health; your loyalty and generous care are usually rewarded with more of the same from anyone with a weak enough fear of commitment to enter the lifelong embrace of your acquaintance. This summer, I predict you’ll make new friends and keep the old—and perhaps bring them all together for a gluten-free cookout or two. Just steer clear of crabcakes. You’re a Cancer, not a cannibal.

GF Cancers are often well-to-do, because you have a way of discovering (sometimes indirectly) nice financial prospects. But unfortunately, that doesn’t always translate into fame. I had a bit of trouble finding gluten-free Cancers for you this time around, but please let me know if you come across any in your crabwalking across the internet.

Meryl Streep

Meryl Streep

Meryl Streep is a Cancer, and we might say she’s an honorary GF Cancer, given how many Google hits pop up when you search for “gluten-free Meryl Streep.” Maybe it’s just that you could search for anything plus Meryl Streep and turn up tons of hits. But there aren’t that many famous GF Cancers, so we’ll have to take what we can get. Meryl is known as a versatile actor (and it makes sense, since Cancers are often creative and artistic, not to mention smart), but she’s also quite steadfast and monogamous, as a Cancer should be. She’s been married—to one person—since 1978. Not too shabby for a celebrity.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: AriesTaurusGemini

If I haven’t managed to get past your tough exterior and offend you with this post, let me know whether I got it right, GF Cancers. By the way, my GF Gemini prediction came true for me—three out of four of my first-degree relatives have now gone in for celiac testing, thanks to my quicksilver powers of persuasion.

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