Based on a Sprue Story

Omigosh, my dear GF Cancers, you who are the worst possible sign to flake out on, I find that I am one day late in devoting this post to you. I had my dates confused and thought I was on time, but alas—my distracted Gemini core must have trumped my Taurus-cusp dependability. Or it was brain fog.

Whatever the excuse, I’m here now, so stop pouting and listen up. Here’s what this month has got in store for the lovable crab.

Photo © cliff1066™ | Flickr

As a GF Cancer, you are emotional, nurturing, and fiercely loyal: traits that sometimes manifest as overbearing and possessive. You forge bonds for life, so you probably shed tears over your gluten-free prescription, scared it might strain your social relationships or bar you from enjoying your treasured restaurants and traditions. Once committed to a thing, though, you never let go, and so it is with gluten-free. You likely pledged allegiance early on to one flour blend or brand, and you seek every opportunity to break gluten-free bread with your lived ones.

Although you prefer to invite friends into the bosom of your safe, comforting cooking at home, you’d balk at being left out of any of their gatherings simply because of your diet. So, more than many, you may be inclined to eat out and chance the cross-contamination. Still, because of your deep-seated anxiety and pessimistic outlook, you approach every meal with the niggling sensation you’ll end it running for the toilet. At times, this makes you a sullen, brooding companion, picking at your food suspiciously. At other times, you seek constant reassurance that the dish you were served is gluten-free. When mistakes do happen, your early anticipation of the worst doesn’t save you from going into a full-on sulk. Still, your closest friends know better than to leave you out of an invitation: your sensitive side will come out in full force should your company be rejected. Clingy? Well, a little.

More vulnerable than most to feeling lonely or left out, your desire for connectedness may have led you to join a support group or other gluten-free network. If not, this month might be just the time. You may find a satisfying sense of community at, for example, one of several Celebrate Celiac events going on this summer. If one will be in your vicinity, check it out and enjoy the feeling (as only a Cancer can) of being surrounded by potential new friends who understand your troubles. I’ll be at the New York event in July!

Even more than any other gluten-freer, GF Cancers are likely to have gastrointestinal troubles, sometimes even in the absence of gluten. Take it easy on your gut this month, but don’t let your anxiety cripple your social life. If you do run into tummy trouble, you’re likely to have several friends waiting in the wings to nurse you back to health; your loyalty and generous care are usually rewarded with more of the same from anyone with a weak enough fear of commitment to enter the lifelong embrace of your acquaintance. This summer, I predict you’ll make new friends and keep the old—and perhaps bring them all together for a gluten-free cookout or two. Just steer clear of crabcakes. You’re a Cancer, not a cannibal.

GF Cancers are often well-to-do, because you have a way of discovering (sometimes indirectly) nice financial prospects. But unfortunately, that doesn’t always translate into fame. I had a bit of trouble finding gluten-free Cancers for you this time around, but please let me know if you come across any in your crabwalking across the internet.

Meryl Streep

Meryl Streep is a Cancer, and we might say she’s an honorary GF Cancer, given how many Google hits pop up when you search for “gluten-free Meryl Streep.” Maybe it’s just that you could search for anything plus Meryl Streep and turn up tons of hits. But there aren’t that many famous GF Cancers, so we’ll have to take what we can get. Meryl is known as a versatile actor (and it makes sense, since Cancers are often creative and artistic, not to mention smart), but she’s also quite steadfast and monogamous, as a Cancer should be. She’s been married—to one person—since 1978. Not too shabby for a celebrity.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: Aries, Taurus, Gemini

If I haven’t managed to get past your tough exterior and offend you with this post, let me know whether I got it right, GF Cancers. By the way, my GF Gemini prediction came true for me—three out of four of my first-degree relatives have now gone in for celiac testing, thanks to my quicksilver powers of persuasion.