Tag Archives: fatigue

If You Give a (Celiac) Mouse a Cookie . . . She’ll Ask If It’s Gluten-Free

I’m starting to get a bit loopy because I still can’t sleep, and it’s been a while since my last sprue redo. So, here’s a children’s book for our generation of rapidly proliferating food allergies and gluten-related disorders—in honor of the one month of the year when we celiac types feel just a bit more comfortable making demands (uh, requests). Enjoy!

If you give a celiac mouse a cookie, she’ll ask if it’s gluten-free.

if-you-give-a-mouse-cookieIf you give her a gluten-free cookie, she’ll gobble it down and ask for a cup of milk.

If you give her a cup of milk, she’ll ask if it’s lactose-free, because her villi are still healing so she can’t produce lactase.

If you give her a new cup of soy milk, she’ll ask if you’re SURE the cookie was gluten-free, because she’s starting to feel a bit glutened.

If you show her the package label, she’ll ask for a mirror so she can check whether her dermatitis herpetiformis is flaring.

When she remembers she never had DH in the first place, she’ll scratch herself all over and say, “But I do feel itchy. Maybe it’s the soy.”

Then she’ll ask for a place to lie down because she feels fatigued. Then pester you for a bedtime story because now that she’s in bed the insomnia’s come on. Then finally drift off and sleep for about, oh, three days.

When she wakes up, if she’s not the smartest celiac mouse, she’ll ask for another cookie.

And since you don’t particularly want any gluten-free cookies yourself, you’ll give her one.*

And here are some cute kids reading the real thing and wondering why the mouse is so demanding. Photo © Matthew Hauck | Flickr

Here are some real kids reading the real book and apparently wondering why the mouse is so darn demanding. (Photo © Matthew Hauck | Flickr)

*No offense intended to the many bakers and manufacturers of delicious gluten-free cookies. In fact, I could go for a delicious gluten-free cookie right now. Couldn’t you?

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Passover vs. Easter: A Gluten-Free Showdown

Much fuss is made about how gluten-free-friendly Passover is. Grain-free foods line the grocery shelves more at this than any other time of year. Macaroons and gluten-free matzo everywhere. It’s great.

But . . . the holiday story is all about bread. Sure, there’s some stuff about plague, tyrants, blood of lambs, eldest sons, escape from persecution, miraculous divisions of seas, and so forth, but at heart the holiday comes down to unleavened bread. And while, with its dry, crumbly, not-quite breadiness, matzo certainly calls to mind gluten-free bread, it does usually contain gluten—just no yeast, or enough time for gluten to do its thing (since, in the story, there was no time to wait for bread to rise before fleeing Egypt).

In fact, according to many authorities, matzo must be made from wheat, rye, barley, spelt, or oats, the “five grains” mentioned in the Torah, all of which contain gluten, besides oats (though that’s debatable). Some authorities don’t even believe gluten-free matzoh should be allowed at the Passover Seder! Not so friendly, after all.

Passover s'mores made with matzo

Pastel-colored matzo s’mores, though remarkable, are also not entirely canonical.
Photo © Jasmin Fine | Flickr

Easter, on the other hand—that’s a real gluten-free holiday, and I’ll tell you why: Jesus is well known to have been a big bread eater. He consumed so much of the stuff he actually considered his body to be made of it! The very night before his death, he broke bread with his disciples and told them he was giving it up. I won’t speculate on what symptoms may have led him to that decision, but no matter—it was too little, too late.

As the story goes, Jesus died because a bunch of angry people nailed him to a cross (and because it was foretold), not because he ate too much wheat. Fair. But then, after three days in a tomb with no bread, he regained his energy to the point that he actually came back to life! Miracle from god, or miraculous gluten detox?

Unfortunately, the moment the stone rolled back from his tomb, Jesus proved old habits die harder than deities’ sons. His proof to his disciples that it was really him, alive again, was, in fact, “in the breaking of the bread” (Luke 24:35).

the Last Supper - Jesus breaking the bread

“Don’t eat it, Jesus! The doctor said…!”
Sigh. No one ever listens to the apostles.
Photo courtesy Waiting for the Word | Flickr

Soon enough, all that bread weakened Jesus again, enough that he had to be carried up to heaven, where he planned to sit (at his father’s right hand) for eternity. That sounds like some serious fatigue!

So you see, though manufacturers may not exactly be rushing to produce egg- and bunny-shaped Easter treats on separate lines the way they’ve stepped up to the Kosher for Passover plate, the Easter story is way more sprue. And as celiac celebs go, it doesn’t get much better than Jesus.

Naturally, the entire argument falls apart if you consider that the Easter story contains a commandment to eat bread in memory, just like the Passover story, and how unlikely it is that God would have sent his only son to Earth and then saddled him with a not-yet-discovered autoimmune disease. Classic literary criticism.

By the way, for anyone wondering—based on my reduced posting of late—whether I too have died, fear not: I live, and my posts shall come again next week, provided neither the Old nor the New Testament God smites me for blaspheming first. I know what you’re thinking, so I’ll say it for you: hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

Regardless of which holiday you’re celebrating this year, I hope it’s a happy one! And if you’re celebrating neither, I’d wish you a happy spring, except that here in New York, it too seems to have died. Here’s hoping for a speedy resurrection.

happy Easter to our Christian friends, happy Passover to our Jewish friends, to our atheist friends...good luck

Thank you, Marsmettn Tallahassee of Flickr. You’re too kind.

For more blasphemy from me, read this oldie but goodie about sin. Alternatively, for more on why Passover actually is pretty cool for those with GRDs, try this article or this list of products to try, or just Google “Passover gluten-free,” because, seriously, the entire Internet has something to say about it. 

Do you stock up on Kosher for Passover gluten-free products? Will you be celebrating with friends or family this weekend? And what, in your opinion, is the best gluten-free holiday?

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20 Ways a Gluten-Free Diet Prepares You to Be the Best Mom or Dad Ever

It occurred to me as I was dutifully packing my own lunch the other day that I’m getting pretty good at this. Maybe not Pinterest good, but I could definitely do a bento box. I’m totally ready to be someone’s mom!, I thought.

I started wondering what other overlap my GF lifestyle has with parenting, and I came up with quite a list. Can you relate?

  1. You pack lunches every day (“love you” notes to yourself probably not included, but I bet you’d rock it).
  2. You’ve lost all discomfort discussing and dealing with poop. Accidents (and maybe vomit) included.
  3. You plan ahead—obsessively—in often vain attempts to prepare for all eventualities.
  4. You spend a significantly larger portion of each day feeling stressed than relaxed.
  5. Looking and feeling pregnant are not foreign to you. (However, if reports are true, no celiac-induced pain you’ve experienced rivals childbirth. Comforting?)
  6. You cook three meals a day, not (necessarily) because you like to, but because someone has to.
  7. You grapple with preparing single meals that satisfy a group of people with completely different wants and needs (allergies, vegetarian/veganism, low-carb, paleo, lactose intolerance, likes and dislikes, and of course gluten-freedom).
  8. You document everything, even the most insignificant milestones: First gluten-free homemade flour blend! First from-scratch cookies! First time eating out! First holiday!
  9. You carry snacks in your bag (and sometimes baby wipes—nothing gets gluten off like ’em).
  10. You’re always tired.
  11. You just know when someone is lying to you (though sometimes after the fact).
  12. You shamelessly ask people to wash their hands before eating. (Only if you’ll be sharing finger food after they just ate, say, fried chicken in front of you. And, okay, there’s a bit of shame.)
  13. You’ve also been known to ask suspiciously, when someone last brushed his/her teeth.
  14. You take grocery shopping very seriously . . .
  15. and keep an eagle eye out for deals. GF food’s not cheap!
  16. You understand the importance of a good burp.
  17. You’re used to not having much of a social life outside of your home.
  18. You’re extremely familiar with saying “no.”
  19. The first thing you look for in any new place is the bathroom.
  20. Sometimes, you can’t remember what life was like before all this. And if a cure is discovered within your lifetime, you’re not totally sure you’ll know what to do with yourself.

See? Child-rearing and chronic disease, two of life’s enduring mysteries, are essentially the same. Both look just . . . like . . . this (with Snyder’s of Hanover GF pretzels, of course):

Yes, I focused on one particular set of symptoms (that is, mine), which many people with gluten-related disorders may not have; there’s a laundry list of other possible symptoms, including infertility (which makes becoming a parent a bit tougher, though certainly not impossible).

And, yes, there are some ways in which they differ. For example:

  1. GF bread prices and loaf sizes being what they are, you do not cut off the crusts.
  2. Celiac disease doesn’t demand bedtime stories—though I’ve got you covered if it ever comes up.
  3. Strollers and playgrounds are also optional.

There’s one more, utterly crucial distinction: When you yourself are gluten-free, all that extra energy you expend and stressing you do are about YOU. Taking responsibility for your own well-being is admirable (and, for many of us, critical), but as a parent you must take that endless worry, attention to detail, and physical and emotional care and turn them outward.

If it’s your child who eats gluten-free, you already understand that. For those of us who aren’t yet but may become parents, assuming a cure doesn’t come, we’ll continue to manage our own diet while caring for the tiny human beings in our charge. We’ll be taking the “tired” we feel and doubling it, at least.

That, more than anything on the list above, makes parenting sound pretty intimidating. From what I hear, though, it’s pretty fulfilling work—so if anything is stopping you from having kids, I hope celiac disease isn’t it. Some (far-off) day, I won’t let it stop me!

Am I missing anything on my lists of similarities and differences? Parents, did I get any of this right?

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26 bulletproof reasons why NOT to go to the gym: from A to Z

Do you like Scattergories? I love it. If you aren’t familiar with the game, the point is to come up with words or phrases that begin with a certain letter (as determined by a die roll) and that fit into various categories on a list. One of my favorite categories is “reasons to be late for school or work,” because there are a million reasons—from “attacked by rabid squirrels” to “zephyr carried me away”—to be running late.

Another category I think I’d excel at, if it existed, is “reasons to skip the gym in the morning.” Once upon a time, I was almost machinelike in my adherence to the six-a-week workout schedule. But these days, despite knowing that exercise is an important part of staying healthy, even (or perhaps especially) for us chronic types, I truly manage to find an excuse for every letter of the alphabet.

Like so:

  • After all, tomorrow is another day
  • Bed’s too warm
  • Can’t find sneakers
  • Dreamed about going (close enough)
  • Eating breakfast sounds better
  • Fitness is overrated
  • Gotta write a blog post
  • Have a chronic disease
  • It’s [snowing/raining/sleeting/windy/dark/cold/hot] outside
  • Just don’t wanna
  • Kept hitting snooze; now it’s too late
  • Lots to do
  • My stomach hurts
  • No energy
  • Over it
  • Playlist is stale
  • Quit caffeine
  • Rest days are important, too
  • Sick (see: H)
  • Toe cramp (see: J)
  • Up too late on Twitter
  • Vile thing, that elliptical
  • Whatever, I look fine
  • Xercise, schmXercise
  • Yeah, yeah, I’ll go in a minute
  • Zzzzzzzzzzz…

gymEvery morning, one must win.

Photos © Allie HolzmanJoint Base Lewis McChord (Flickr)


Do you make excuses? What’s your favorite? Let me know in the comments.

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