Based on a Sprue Story

Today marks the start of ME ME ME ME ME ME—sorry, I mean Gemini. The temperature is rising, flowers are blooming, kiddies are graduating, asparagi are past their peak but still in season, and it’s time to direct our attention to the Gluten-Free Gemini. As it should be.

Gemini begins today, May 21st, and extends through June 20th. Let’s check out what the stars have in store for me and my fellow Geminis this month.

Photo © Joe Plocki | Flickr
With twins as the sign’s ruling symbol, Flickr search results for “Gemini” get a bit artsy.

The Gluten-Free Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the messenger god who reigns over communication, travel, and cleverness. To get a sense of the GF Gemini, think Mercury, the element: rapidly shifting, rising then plummeting, erratic and unpredictable, like that red stuff in an old-fashioned thermometer during climate change. GF Geminis are versatile and, as a friend recently reminded me, capricious. They always have something—or several things—going on, because they pick up projects quickly and drop them just as suddenly. They’re the type of gluten-freer who heard “for life” and thought, “Is that even possible?”

In other words, as a GF Gemini, it’s absolutely shocking I’ve maintained this astrology project for even three posts running. GF Cancers, consider yourselves warned.

For us GF Geminis, this month will be a time—as usual—of varied, unfinished projects, new enthusiasms, and sudden burnouts. Perhaps you’ll actually attempt to set up that gluten-free speed-dating sesh, or become briefly immersed in the world of from-scratch GF baking. You’ll look into event spaces, reach out to some fellow GF community members, realize how much work an event like this would be, and drop it immediately. Or you’ll order twelve different kinds of flour from Amazon and perform frenzied Google searches trying to choose the best blend, then lose patience, throw caution to the wind, make up your own blend, and lose faith in the entire pursuit when your baked good falls flat. But you won’t stay discouraged for long! You move on fast, and you’re quick to laugh, even at your own shortcomings.

GF Gemini rules over butterflies and vibrantly colored birds—flitting, dainty things that delight their onlookers but are internally rather cold, bored souls already eyeing that prettier flower over…there. Though the GF Gemini is talkative and forthcoming, this urge to communicate can sometimes turn into idle, superficial chatter or gossip. You aren’t mean, you just love a good story. This month, strive not to alienate your loved ones, who have accommodated your gluten-free lifestyle handsomely, by talking about them behind their backs or tuning them out while you brainstorm your next blog post.

Then again, if you do mess up, you’ll probably win everyone back over with your fantastic people skills (which we supposedly have—I keep waiting for mine to kick in). You know how to win people to a cause, and this month just might be the month you finally persuade your relatives (and friends, and random passerby on the street) to get themselves tested for celiac disease. You aren’t, after all, content to play the part of the patient on this gluten-free stage—you’ve got to play the doctor, nurse, and researcher, too! At least until you tire of it.

The body parts ruled by Gemini are the lungs and arms (get it? Twins?), and we g-free types sometimes have asthma and weak bones to deal with. Eat those calcium-rich green leafies to avoid breaking any arms this month when you get overexcited about trying the new bikeshare program in your city; and don’t diagnose yourself with any associated autoimmune disorders just because you have a cursory understanding of them from WebMD. Beware your tendency to skim and assume mastery having done so. (Remember you’re not the doctor.)

Though your cheerful demeanor helps you to hide it (unless you’re broadcasting it to the entire internet, like I do), you do have a brooding, anxious side. Try to remember it’s springtime out there, and there are lots of interesting things to focus on in this world—no need to worry too much about what’s next in your personal health adventure.

There are lots of interesting GF Geminis to follow, too. People with gluten issues are maybe more likely to be born in spring and summer, so there are lots of Geminis; and Geminis are so lively and compelling that of course they wind up celebrities. A winning combo!

Novak Djokovic	Novak Djokovic is a GF Gemini, and an awesome one at that (happy birthday to him tomorrow). He attributes his stepped-up tennis game to switching to a gluten-free diet, although recently his performance has been inconsistent. In his own words, he “lost the concentration”—sounds about right for a Gemini. Also Geminilike, he spends his leisure time founding restaurant chains then leaving the day-to-day operations up to other people, making cameos in music videos, and buying up entire year’s productions of donkey cheese (OK, that one’s not true).
Elisabeth Hasselbeck	Elisabeth Hasselbeck is another biggie in GF Geminiland. Like the rest of us, she keeps herself busy: not content to appear on just one TV show, she’s flirted with Survivor, Good Morning America, and of course her own show The View, where she shows off her Gemini communication skills. Plus, she’s written two books about living and cooking gluten-free (though her knack for picking up choice tidbits from other people’s self-published books may or may not have gotten her into a spot of trouble there).
Marilyn Monroe	Last but most certainly not least, I have to give a shout-out to Marilyn Monroe, who was a Gemini through and through and stumbled upon her own super-weird version of a gluten-free diet, to which she attributed her awesome figure in this old Pageant article. Every day, she claimed, she ate two raw eggs in warm milk, plain broiled meat, four or five raw carrots, and occasionally a hot fudge sundae. Bizarre, yes, gluteny, no.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: Aries, Taurus

Don’t click away yet, GF Geminis! I know YouTube calls, but resist your flighty nature long enough to leave me a comment. What new projects do you have planned this month?