Tag Archives: gluten-free astrology

A Christmas update, with apologies to the Gluten-Free Capricorn

Somehow or other, tomorrow is December 21st, which means T-minus 4 days till we need to have all of our presents not only bought, but also wrapped.

But that’s not all. December 21st is also the first day of Capricorn, which means I owe you all a gluten-free astrology post. Unfortunately, for the first time, this flighty Gemini is blowing it off—for now. I’ll get to you guys soon, I promise! Just been a little too busy to get it together.

What’s keeping me so busy? Well . . .

A little of this . . .

Carols! (Listening in public, singing in private.)

Carols! (Listening in public, singing in private.)

A little of that . . .

Peppermint bark! (Easiest. Candy. Ever.)

Peppermint bark! (Easiest. Candy. Ever.)

Sweater parties! (But not ugly ones.)

Sweater parties! (But not ugly ones.)

And a whole lot of THIS:

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Now that's just mean, Google.

Now that’s just mean, Google.

Without lying, I could simply say Capricorns are the best sign ever at being gluten-free, and call it a wrap (seriously, no lingering intestinal damage 1.3 years after diagnosis for those guys—it is under. Control). But you know I’d much rather go on and on about personality traits, celebrities, deities, and all those other astrological tidbits that are quite possibly amusing only to me.

Besides, I imagine that if I’m this busy, then you’re all probably a bit too wrapped up in your Christmas wrapping-up to pay any attention to the blogosphere right now. So, I’m going to hold off till we can all give Capricorns the attention they know they deserve.

Just because I can’t resist, I’ll have one last Christmasy post for you on Monday. After that, I’ll be wishing you a happy holiday and checking out till next year (when Capricorn will totally get its due).

For those of you waiting: forgive my delay. (In the meantime, why not check out the astrological archives?) For those of you who couldn’t care less: forgive me for how close together this means my Capricorn and Aquarius posts will be coming.

Want to be sure you don’t miss “Sprue Stories: The Christmas Edition,” or all the nonsense that will no doubt ensue in 2014? Then join 1,592,337,805 other readers and subscribe via Twitter, Facebook, or email.

And, if you can find the time amidst your own cookie-baking and gift-panicking, let me know what you’ve been up to recently, too (links welcome!).

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Gluten-Free Astrology: Virgo (Born August 23 – September 22)

Hey, Gluten-Free Virgo, wait up! Don’t click…darn. Lost another one. Logical Virgo is the sign least likely to brook the vague suppositions on which astrology is founded, so I’m sure they’ve mostly fled.

Nevertheless, for those in the Virgo ranks whose anxious nature keeps them from completely dismissing even something so silly as a horoscope, or who are working on broadening their rational worldview, or who are simply too kind to abandon me now, I’ll carry on. After all, this stuff is important. Get ready, because my spot-on analysis is about to blow your left-brained mind.

Fun fact: your sign is the Virgin, but she stands more for purity of purpose than for any other kind of purity that might occur to you—though most of you are probably still a bit too reserved to go prancing about naked like this statue. Photo © Tom Magliery | Flickr

Fun fact: your sign is the Virgin, but she stands more for purity of purpose than for any other kind of purity that might occur to you—though most of you are probably still a bit too reserved to go prancing about naked like this statue.
Photo © Tom Magliery | Flickr

The GF Virgo is an organized creature. When you hit the road or the skies, there’s no throwing a half-stale bag of Popchips and a Larabar into the suitcase at the last minute for you; you travel prepared with an assortment of food optimized to fill all your calorie and nutrient needs for precisely the amount of time you’ll be away—plus backups in your carry-on and a bento box for the flight. And no, you didn’t accidentally pack anything liquid.

When you were first diagnosed with celiac or gluten intolerance, you wasted no time in clearing out the pantry, wiping down every surface, and perhaps even lining your drawers and resealing the dining room table.

Because of your budget savviness, you’d probably amassed quite an impressive pantry, so throwing out all of those opened packages of flour and pasta and even not-glutenous but possibly contaminated containers of sugar and baking soda may have hurt a little—but just a little. Your mottos are “order above all else”; “a clean home is a happy home”; “idle hands are the devil’s playthings”; and all that Protestant ethic jazz. Some may therefore consider you rather cold or callous, or at the very least a stickler.

And, well, the stickler part is probably true. No trying “just a taste” or figuring “this should be safe” for you. Every package gets checked, every question gets asked, every manufacturer gets directly called. And, as a result, many fewer glutenings get got. You go, GF Virgo.

The cold and callous part, though? No, that’s not you. You care intensely about doing the right thing, and that includes doing right by others. You’re dedicated to your family, friends, and community—so though you may not be as nurturing as a Cancer or as buoyant as a Leo, in your own way you’re just as warm as your fellow summertime signs.

Photo © Rromir Imami | Flickr

Your symbol, the Virgin, is often pictured holding a sheaf of wheat. In the GF Virgo’s case, she’s probably carrying it somewhere far away from her own kitchen to gift to someone who will be able to use it. Because that’s just the kind of person she is. (She will then scrub her hands for five minutes afterwards. Because that’s also the kind of person she is.)
Photo © Rromir Imami | Flickr

This month, you might put your conscientiousness to work on behalf of your fellow GFers by helping a local restaurant to iron out the kinks in its gluten-free service. Using your eagle eye for flaws, teach that sandwich bar attendee to keep the breaded chicken farther away from the cucumber, or point out (gently) that soup isn’t gluten-free if it’s served in a bread bowl. Or take advantage of back-to-school season to do a little educating of your own—many public and private schools have a thing or two to learn about gluten and allergies. Beware, however, of your tendency to overcomplicate. Not every change must be implemented by a planning committee.

Oh, and while I’m criticizing you, I should remind you that you yourself have a tendency to be overcritical, not only of others but of yourself. Virgo rules over the nervous system and the intestines, so the GF Virgo is at the heart of a perfect storm when it comes to gluten-induced anxiety. You’re also quite health-focused, and therefore prone to hypochondria. This month, try to take it easy on yourself; give yourself the same care you give others, but avoid obsessing over the details of your day-to-day wellness. Getting out of your own head (and your extraordinarily tidy house) just might be the best thing for it.

GF Virgos tend to be shy, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t a few famous ones running around. (Pardon me, they are in fact very rarely found “running around” as opposed to “proceeding in a calm and efficient manner toward their goal.”) Here are a couple:

Confucius

Confucius

Confucius, born September 28th, 551 BC, might seem to have a birthday outside of the Virgo date range. However, my ultimate guide to astrology and several less trusty but ultimately convincing websites tell me he was a Virgo, so I’m just going to assume it has something to do with planetary motion and thousands of years having passed and all that. But was he a GF Virgo? Judge for yourself: I hear Confucius said, “I do not eat if I do not get the proper soy sauce.” Sounds like a celiac saying to me.

Mother Theresa

Mother Theresa

Mother Theresa, born August 26th, 1910, would not be very happy to hear herself associated with this blasphemy, but she was without a doubt a Virgo through and through. It takes some serious belief in rules, order, and a sense of what’s right to become a nun in the first place, not to mention do the additional work to which she dedicated her life. But GF? Well, I don’t mean to say that Mother Theresa was a fad dieter, but she did briefly flirt with eating nothing but rice and salt, in imitation of the diet of the poor. She was talked out of it eventually, but at least for a time, turns out, she was by default a GF Virgo.

Anyone else you can think of? I can’t help but imagine that all of those celiac experts must fall under this sign (Peter Green? Stefano Guandalini? Alessio Fasano? Total Virgos). However, I don’t know their birthdays, and neither does Google, it seems, so you’ll have to take my word for it—though if you’re a GF Virgo, you totally won’t.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo

My dear GF Virgo friends, I am ready for you to tear into me for propagating such unremitting nonsense. (But…come on…didn’t I get it just a little right? Let me know if so!)

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Gluten-Free Astrology: Leo (July 23 — August 22)

I’ve decided, after some deliberation, to skip Gluten-Free Leo. You’re full enough of yourselves as it is, and I’ve got better things to do. See ya next month for Virgo!

…Of course, I’m just kidding. You guys are great; no one could ever skip over you! You’re so fun! So lovable! So good looking! I just love to stroke that enormous ego—I mean, magnificent mane—of yours, my little lions. You’re even cuter when you purr.

Photo ©  Julie Egeland | Flickr

Photo © Julie Egeland | Flickr

Now that I’ve got your attention—and yes, flattery is the only foolproof way to gain the regal ear of a GF Leo—here’s what the constellations have to say about those glorious gluten-hating guts.

As a GF Leo, you have a big personality. You are magnetic, gregarious, bombastic, and extraordinarily charming—when you’re not making a huge pain of yourself with your equally extraordinary demands on the time and attention of everyone around you. Such demands strike you at least as reasonable, because you consider yourself the monarch of your own gluten-free kingdom (which, unlike in the Disney version, consists of all that the light touches and everything that’s left over).

As such, you don’t so much appreciate having your gluten-free needs met as expect it, regardless of venue, language barrier, amount (or absence) of advance notice, type of cuisine, and Yelp reviews. I mean, maybe they’ve glutened a peon or two, but they wouldn’t dare cross-contaminate your gluten-free sandwich, right? And, um, while they’re at it, would it kill them to refill your glass a little more often? You must have finished your Bard’s a full sixty seconds ago.

Photo © Luke Fritz | Flickr

Photo © Luke Fritz | Flickr

I don’t mean to be hard on you—I wouldn’t want to risk it, in fact. Like your Cancer horological neighbors, you’re pretty sensitive (to gluten and perceived slights alike)—but unlike the crab, you don’t hide your hurt away. Instead, your leonine pride, when crossed, erupts into a roaring, indignant wrath—although with appropriate groveling it dissipates quickly. (Upon accidental gluten consumption, GF Leos often display signs of the infamous “celiac rage,” which resolves itself most efficiently when a tender slave—uh, family member or friend—is there by their side to pet the pain away.)

GF Leo is associated with the back, the spine, and (naturally) the heart, so you may struggle with back pain or perhaps even scoliosis, which is thought by at least some researchers to be associated with celiac disease. Celiac disease has also been associated with greater risk of heart disease, although another study has found celiac disease to be linked with lower risk of heart disease. Rather like astrology, it’s all far too ambiguous and conflicting for you to care, even if you are affected by it.

GF Leos are much more concerned with the big picture and with taking control of it, whatever it may be. Though you aren’t exactly the type to work hard—you’re more into the playing part—you do love to lead and (I must admit) are often well suited to it. I hope that you use your interpersonal powers for good: GF Leos belong in politics pushing gluten-free labeling legislation through the maze of red tape, or at the head of the General Mills boardroom table figuring out how to make Cheerios gluten-free. Barring that, at the very least you should be getting out into your community and getting local business owners excited to provide gluten-free goods. Or maybe taking your GF agenda to the big screen or the stage, where your creativity and exuberance fit in perfectly. Much like your fellow famous GF Leos below, you live for the spotlight.

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton—you know all about him from my Presidents Day post. Yes, he’s (mostly) gluten-free; yes, he’s a Leo (born August 19th); and YES, he’s charming. Just ask M…okay, okay, I suppose he’s done his time for that one.

Madonna

Madonna, born August 16th, 1958, is one of those GF celebs for whom the stars truly do seem perfect aligned. I mean, of course Madonna is a Leo. And of course Madonna has experimented with eating gluten-free (and had a joint gluten-free birthday party with her son, then turning ten). Did you ever doubt it?

Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte, born August 15th, 1769, was not a GF Leo. He liked bread baskets, fried foods, pastries, and pasta. When it came to food, he was more inclined to efficiency than anything so frivolous as texture or taste. (In all fairness, he did keep himself pretty busy with typical Leo pursuits.)However, you may be intrigued to know that scientists (tired of attempting to solve living people’s health problems) determined in 2007 that Napoleon died of gastric cancer, possibly triggered by Helicobacter pylori infection. Given that H pylori does not seem to be more prevalent in people with celiac disease than anyone else, and that gastric cancer is one of very few cancers that celiac disease doesn’t seem to be associated with, all of this means, for our purposes, absolutely nothing. That said, if Napoleon were living today with longterm unexplained pain such as he must have experienced with an advanced case of stomach cancer, he’d almost certainly be trying a gluten-free diet, don’t you think?

I know you want to keep hearing all about YOU, but that’s all for now, folks.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer

Some of my closest friends are Leos, which means that every little joke I’ve made at their expense here is okay…right? If you’re a Leo whose pride this post has either hurt or soothed, let me know in the comments. And tell me what gluten-free passion projects you’ll be heading up this month, too.

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Gluten-Free Astrology: Cancer (born June 21 – July 22)

Omigosh, my dear GF Cancers, you who are the worst possible sign to flake out on, I find that I am one day late in devoting this post to you. I had my dates confused and thought I was on time, but alas—my distracted Gemini core must have trumped my Taurus-cusp dependability. Or it was brain fog.

Whatever the excuse, I’m here now, so stop pouting and listen up. Here’s what this month has got in store for the lovable crab.

Photo © cliff1066™ | Flickr

Photo © cliff1066™ | Flickr

As a GF Cancer, you are emotional, nurturing, and fiercely loyal: traits that sometimes manifest as overbearing and possessive. You forge bonds for life, so you probably shed tears over your gluten-free prescription, scared it might strain your social relationships or bar you from enjoying your treasured restaurants and traditions. Once committed to a thing, though, you never let go, and so it is with gluten-free. You likely pledged allegiance early on to one flour blend or brand, and you seek every opportunity to break gluten-free bread with your lived ones.

Although you prefer to invite friends into the bosom of your safe, comforting cooking at home, you’d balk at being left out of any of their gatherings simply because of your diet. So, more than many, you may be inclined to eat out and chance the cross-contamination. Still, because of your deep-seated anxiety and pessimistic outlook, you approach every meal with the niggling sensation you’ll end it running for the toilet. At times, this makes you a sullen, brooding companion, picking at your food suspiciously. At other times, you seek constant reassurance that the dish you were served is gluten-free. When mistakes do happen, your early anticipation of the worst doesn’t save you from going into a full-on sulk. Still, your closest friends know better than to leave you out of an invitation: your sensitive side will come out in full force should your company be rejected. Clingy? Well, a little.

More vulnerable than most to feeling lonely or left out, your desire for connectedness may have led you to join a support group or other gluten-free network. If not, this month might be just the time. You may find a satisfying sense of community at, for example, one of several Celebrate Celiac events going on this summer. If one will be in your vicinity, check it out and enjoy the feeling (as only a Cancer can) of being surrounded by potential new friends who understand your troubles. I’ll be at the New York event in July!

Even more than any other gluten-freer, GF Cancers are likely to have gastrointestinal troubles, sometimes even in the absence of gluten. Take it easy on your gut this month, but don’t let your anxiety cripple your social life. If you do run into tummy trouble, you’re likely to have several friends waiting in the wings to nurse you back to health; your loyalty and generous care are usually rewarded with more of the same from anyone with a weak enough fear of commitment to enter the lifelong embrace of your acquaintance. This summer, I predict you’ll make new friends and keep the old—and perhaps bring them all together for a gluten-free cookout or two. Just steer clear of crabcakes. You’re a Cancer, not a cannibal.

GF Cancers are often well-to-do, because you have a way of discovering (sometimes indirectly) nice financial prospects. But unfortunately, that doesn’t always translate into fame. I had a bit of trouble finding gluten-free Cancers for you this time around, but please let me know if you come across any in your crabwalking across the internet.

Meryl Streep

Meryl Streep

Meryl Streep is a Cancer, and we might say she’s an honorary GF Cancer, given how many Google hits pop up when you search for “gluten-free Meryl Streep.” Maybe it’s just that you could search for anything plus Meryl Streep and turn up tons of hits. But there aren’t that many famous GF Cancers, so we’ll have to take what we can get. Meryl is known as a versatile actor (and it makes sense, since Cancers are often creative and artistic, not to mention smart), but she’s also quite steadfast and monogamous, as a Cancer should be. She’s been married—to one person—since 1978. Not too shabby for a celebrity.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: AriesTaurusGemini

If I haven’t managed to get past your tough exterior and offend you with this post, let me know whether I got it right, GF Cancers. By the way, my GF Gemini prediction came true for me—three out of four of my first-degree relatives have now gone in for celiac testing, thanks to my quicksilver powers of persuasion.

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