Tag Archives: Bill Clinton

Gluten-Free Astrology: Leo (July 23 — August 22)

I’ve decided, after some deliberation, to skip Gluten-Free Leo. You’re full enough of yourselves as it is, and I’ve got better things to do. See ya next month for Virgo!

…Of course, I’m just kidding. You guys are great; no one could ever skip over you! You’re so fun! So lovable! So good looking! I just love to stroke that enormous ego—I mean, magnificent mane—of yours, my little lions. You’re even cuter when you purr.

Photo ©  Julie Egeland | Flickr

Photo © Julie Egeland | Flickr

Now that I’ve got your attention—and yes, flattery is the only foolproof way to gain the regal ear of a GF Leo—here’s what the constellations have to say about those glorious gluten-hating guts.

As a GF Leo, you have a big personality. You are magnetic, gregarious, bombastic, and extraordinarily charming—when you’re not making a huge pain of yourself with your equally extraordinary demands on the time and attention of everyone around you. Such demands strike you at least as reasonable, because you consider yourself the monarch of your own gluten-free kingdom (which, unlike in the Disney version, consists of all that the light touches and everything that’s left over).

As such, you don’t so much appreciate having your gluten-free needs met as expect it, regardless of venue, language barrier, amount (or absence) of advance notice, type of cuisine, and Yelp reviews. I mean, maybe they’ve glutened a peon or two, but they wouldn’t dare cross-contaminate your gluten-free sandwich, right? And, um, while they’re at it, would it kill them to refill your glass a little more often? You must have finished your Bard’s a full sixty seconds ago.

Photo © Luke Fritz | Flickr

Photo © Luke Fritz | Flickr

I don’t mean to be hard on you—I wouldn’t want to risk it, in fact. Like your Cancer horological neighbors, you’re pretty sensitive (to gluten and perceived slights alike)—but unlike the crab, you don’t hide your hurt away. Instead, your leonine pride, when crossed, erupts into a roaring, indignant wrath—although with appropriate groveling it dissipates quickly. (Upon accidental gluten consumption, GF Leos often display signs of the infamous “celiac rage,” which resolves itself most efficiently when a tender slave—uh, family member or friend—is there by their side to pet the pain away.)

GF Leo is associated with the back, the spine, and (naturally) the heart, so you may struggle with back pain or perhaps even scoliosis, which is thought by at least some researchers to be associated with celiac disease. Celiac disease has also been associated with greater risk of heart disease, although another study has found celiac disease to be linked with lower risk of heart disease. Rather like astrology, it’s all far too ambiguous and conflicting for you to care, even if you are affected by it.

GF Leos are much more concerned with the big picture and with taking control of it, whatever it may be. Though you aren’t exactly the type to work hard—you’re more into the playing part—you do love to lead and (I must admit) are often well suited to it. I hope that you use your interpersonal powers for good: GF Leos belong in politics pushing gluten-free labeling legislation through the maze of red tape, or at the head of the General Mills boardroom table figuring out how to make Cheerios gluten-free. Barring that, at the very least you should be getting out into your community and getting local business owners excited to provide gluten-free goods. Or maybe taking your GF agenda to the big screen or the stage, where your creativity and exuberance fit in perfectly. Much like your fellow famous GF Leos below, you live for the spotlight.

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton—you know all about him from my Presidents Day post. Yes, he’s (mostly) gluten-free; yes, he’s a Leo (born August 19th); and YES, he’s charming. Just ask M…okay, okay, I suppose he’s done his time for that one.


Madonna, born August 16th, 1958, is one of those GF celebs for whom the stars truly do seem perfect aligned. I mean, of course Madonna is a Leo. And of course Madonna has experimented with eating gluten-free (and had a joint gluten-free birthday party with her son, then turning ten). Did you ever doubt it?

Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte, born August 15th, 1769, was not a GF Leo. He liked bread baskets, fried foods, pastries, and pasta. When it came to food, he was more inclined to efficiency than anything so frivolous as texture or taste. (In all fairness, he did keep himself pretty busy with typical Leo pursuits.)However, you may be intrigued to know that scientists (tired of attempting to solve living people’s health problems) determined in 2007 that Napoleon died of gastric cancer, possibly triggered by Helicobacter pylori infection. Given that H pylori does not seem to be more prevalent in people with celiac disease than anyone else, and that gastric cancer is one of very few cancers that celiac disease doesn’t seem to be associated with, all of this means, for our purposes, absolutely nothing. That said, if Napoleon were living today with longterm unexplained pain such as he must have experienced with an advanced case of stomach cancer, he’d almost certainly be trying a gluten-free diet, don’t you think?

I know you want to keep hearing all about YOU, but that’s all for now, folks.

As always, the “information,” such as it is, in this post has been largely ripped off from The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, by Joanna Martine Woolfolk, which is in fact the only astrology book you’ll ever need (need here being a relative term).

See also: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer

Some of my closest friends are Leos, which means that every little joke I’ve made at their expense here is okay…right? If you’re a Leo whose pride this post has either hurt or soothed, let me know in the comments. And tell me what gluten-free passion projects you’ll be heading up this month, too.

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Sprue Histories: The Presidents Edition

There’s an interesting practice known as baptism by proxy, in which the Church of Latter-Day Saints claims historical figures for the Mormon faith by baptizing living stand-ins. I find this impulse perfectly understandable, albeit morbid and somewhat disrespectful. We all want to believe that the people we admire are sorta, kinda, just like us—and if they’re already dead, who’s to stop us from claiming them for ourselves?

In honor of Presidents Day, I thought I’d perform a little biopsy by proxy, a related practice popular among certain sects of Latter-Day Celiacs. Check it out:

[John F.] Kennedy’s Irish heritage, long duration of gastrointestinal complaints (since childhood), diagnosis of irritable bowel syndrome and migraine, presence of severe osteoporosis, and the development of Addison’s disease all lead to a presumptive diagnosis of celiac disease. (Peter H. R. Green, MD)

Although it’s hard to believe that such a prominent figure could’ve managed to go undiagnosed, Dr. Green suggests that steroids might have suppressed Kennedy’s intestinal inflammation and contributed to a misdiagnosis. Good enough for me, Pete! It’s official, JFK was one of us. If he were alive today, I’m sure he’d be right there with his fellow Bostonians trying out the new GF muffins at Dunkin Donuts. It’s humbling, honestly—sure, it took a billion years for the doctors to figure me out, but they never got it right for him, and he was the president of the United States.

Okay, so, that article was news to me, but it’s a few years old, so maybe it wasn’t new to you. To add some real value to this post, I’ve taken the liberty of bringing a few other heads of our state into the celiac fold. As it turns out, the Oval Office attracts a gluten-fearing bunch. Here’s some presidential advice and support for you:

“Nothing short of gluten-independence, it appears to me, can possibly do. A peace on other terms would, if I may be allowed the expression, be a peace of war.”—George Washington
“Baking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies.”—Thomas Jefferson
“If we falter and destroy ourselves, it will be because we lost our gluten-freedoms.”—Abraham Lincoln
“The world must be made safe for the gluten-free.”—Woodrow Wilson
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Wait, and gluten. That stuff is in everything.”—Franklin D. Roosevelt
“History does not long entrust the care of gluten-freedom to the weak or the timid.”—Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Gluten is as violent as a mugger, as frightening as an armed robber and as deadly as a hit man.”—Ronald Reagan
“I misunderestimated gluten.”—George W. Bush
“Why can’t I just eat my waffle?”—Barack Obama(By the way, Mr. President, if you make it with Udi’s, then yes. you. can.)
  This one’s too easy. Bill Clinton actually does avoid gluten. For real.

Happy President’s Day. Enjoy your day off, and maybe a nice slice of coconut-flour cake in honor of Washington’s birthday. What do you think—is Dr. Green’s case convincing? And which will come first, a female president or a celiac-diagnosed president?

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