Tag Archives: romance

Dear Gluten: Find Your Own Dating Website!

Stumbling across someone you know on OkCupid is so awkward. Worst of all is when it’s an ex. Your cursor hovers over the profile image until curiosity takes over and you have to click, even though you know you’ll show up in his visitors list, and therefore he’ll know you looked. (Then, you check in every hour to see if he peeked at yours, and, if not, wonder why. Did he not check in? Did he resist temptation? Does he just not care?)

Anyway. Here I am, minding my own love life, and who should I come across but our old friend gluten? Naturally, I looked—and now you can, too. (Click for the full-size version.)

OkCupid dating website profile for gluten

I don’t know what I ever saw in him. I valiantly resisted sending a message, but I did rate his profile 1 star, just to be vindictive. And no, he hasn’t viewed mine.

If you’re baffled, you might want to read my previous letters to gluten here and here. If you’ve read them and are still baffled, I can neither blame nor help you.

Savvy OkCupid users will notice I left out the section on gluten’s favorite books, movies, TV shows, music, and food. I did that on purpose so you can help fill it in! Whaddaya say? Is gluten a rhythm & blues kind of guy?

* “Bready for love” profile photo © Oyvind Solstad | Flickr

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Sprue Stories: The Disney Edition

We already know how Beauty and the Beast would go if Belle had celiac disease, but what about all the other Disney characters? We may not have a food-allergic or intolerant Disney princess yet, but that doesn’t mean we can’t pretend. After all, as Walt would say, “If you can dream it, you can do it.” As long as “it” isn’t “eat gluten.”

Check out my versions of the classics, then tell me yours!

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Simba just can’t wait to be king, when he can outlaw offering “just a bite” to people with celiac disease and, for that matter, ban gluten entirely. He’s got it all planned out: “No one sayin’ try this, no one sayin’ eat here; no one bakin’ rye bread, no one brewin’ wheat beer!” Oh, he just can’t wait to be king.

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The Lady didn’t find that shared strand of spaghetti quite so romantic when, an hour later, her typical glutening symptoms started up in full force. “I should have known it wasn’t really made of quinoa,” she raged at the repentant Tramp. “Footloose and collar-free, my tail.” She never trusted a date to pick the restaurant ever again.

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When Gaston was a lad he ate four dozen eggs every morning to help him get large. When this admittedly excessive regimen failed to produce the desired result, his doctor determined he was in fact egg intolerant. So now that he’s grown, he eats five dozen bowls of oatmeal instead, and it seems to be working for him because he’s roughly the size of a barge.

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Ursula, that old sea witch, knew just what she was doing when she struck her bargain with the mermaid. “I’ll make you human for three days,” she crooned, “and if the prince gives you a kiss, you’ll be human forever. If not, you’ll belong to me. I ask just one thing in exchange…your gluten.” Persuaded that giving up gluten for three days couldn’t be that hard, Ariel agreed. But when she found that Ursula’s minions were plying the prince with the bread and cupcakes she’d forsaken, Ariel realized the catch: if she kissed the gluten-eating prince, she wouldn’t herself be gluten-free. When the sun set on the third day with her end of the bargain unfulfilled, Ariel lost her legs, her prince, and her freedom—but at least she regained her gluten.

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Aladdin finally realized that those loaves of bread he kept stealing from the market weren’t doing him any good. And not just in the criminal record department, if you know what I mean. But when he asked his magical friend for help, Genie wrung his big blue hands and said, “Sorry, pal, even I can’t help you with that. Celiac disease is incurable, you know.”

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Cruella was gung-ho about collecting the Dalmatians’ coats for her own—until their fur began falling out, that is. Then she lost interest and set them free. Little did she know it was caused by malnutrition from gluten sensitivity and could have been easily solved by switching kibble brands. When the pups found their way home—all 101 of them—their story was picked up by news and talk shows across the country. A successful online fundraising and awareness campaign paid for their new, more expensive dog food and, as a bonus, sought out and brought to justice Ms. de Vil, who had since moved on to terrorizing animals with better functioning immune systems.

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None of those sorry excuses for men could manage to shimmy up the climbing pole, much less fight off a horde of Huns. But when Mulan cut wheat out of her diet, her brittle bones recovered and her energy soared—as did she, right up to the top of that pole. These days she’s such a changed man—er, woman—that when she looks in the mirror she still can’t recognize her reflection.

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Once the celiac disease epidemic had reached epic proportions, human beings fled the planet, leaving behind only a few robots to scour away every trace of wheat, barley, and rye that remained. They planned to return one day, but with their newly healed digestive systems absorbing nutrients aplenty, they quickly became fat and complacent. And why risk the cross-contamination? Years later, just one lonely robot remains, diligently uprooting stalks of wheat. But the real story begins when Wall-E starts exhibiting signs of gluten sensitivity, too…

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Do you have a new ending for Wall-E or a gluten-free or food-allergy/intolerance spin on The Jungle Book, Ratatouille, or another one? Who’s your favorite Disney hero(ine)/villain? Let me know in the comments!

Photo © Brian Jackson | Flickr

Where (some) dreams come true
Photo © Brian Jackson | Flickr

Pssssst…If you liked this post, check out the fairy tale edition, too.

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Because nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like a flowchart

Today’s post was going to be an OkCupid profile for gluten, since, as you may recall, we broke up last weekend. Unfortunately, gluten’s not ready to move on, still hanging around trying to wheedle his way back into my good graces—refusing to pick up his tTG collection, sending me flours. I’ve told him and told him, but he’s a sticky little protein composite. Maybe by next Valentine’s he’ll have cleared out for good.

In the meantime, to keep my resolve strong, I thought I’d remind myself of my other options. The world is just full of prospective dates, after all. And sure, needing to date someone who maintains a strict GF diet (or at least waits four hours, eats something else that’s gluten-free, then brushes his teeth before kissing me, just to be safe) narrows the pool to something more like a rivulet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have options. I just have to find someone who likes me. Simple. Oh, and he has to meet a standard or two, but that’s reasonable enough, right?

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Click to start down the warped and twisted way to my little celiac heart.

The fact that I spend my off-work hours making things like this—rather than, oh, I don’t know, dating—may be a minor contributor to my being single this Valentine’s Day. But anyone I ever date will have to like me as I am, flowcharts and all. Plus be funny. And well-read. And employed. I also realized I finished the chart without ever adding vegetarian. Factor that in somewhere between cute and Boggle. Me, picky?

So, enjoy. Happy Valentine’s Day to you, my family, my friends, my new blogosphere buds, and yes, even you, gliadin and glutenin. As for you, avenin? Jury’s still out.

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