Tag Archives: gluten-free dating

May 29 2014
23 Comments
Dear gluten

Dear Gluten: Find Your Own Dating Website!

Stumbling across someone you know on OkCupid is so awkward. Worst of all is when it’s an ex. Your cursor hovers over the profile image until curiosity takes over and you have to click, even though you know you’ll show up in his visitors list, and therefore he’ll know you looked. (Then, you check in every hour to see if he peeked at yours, and, if not, wonder why. Did he not check in? Did he resist temptation? Does he just not care?)

Anyway. Here I am, minding my own love life, and who should I come across but our old friend gluten? Naturally, I looked—and now you can, too. (Click for the full-size version.)

OkCupid dating website profile for gluten

I don’t know what I ever saw in him. I valiantly resisted sending a message, but I did rate his profile 1 star, just to be vindictive. And no, he hasn’t viewed mine.

If you’re baffled, you might want to read my previous letters to gluten here and here. If you’ve read them and are still baffled, I can neither blame nor help you.

Savvy OkCupid users will notice I left out the section on gluten’s favorite books, movies, TV shows, music, and food. I did that on purpose so you can help fill it in! Whaddaya say? Is gluten a rhythm & blues kind of guy?

* “Bready for love” profile photo © Oyvind Solstad | Flickr

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Feb 11 2014
6 Comments
Gluten-free prosody

Roses are red, gluten is blue (at least, that’s what it makes me, and probably you too)

Loyal readers will have noticed that I’ve been quieter than usual the last few weeks. There are a few reasons for that—some of which I’ll be talking about soon—but I do expect to get back to my twice-a-week schedule eventually.

In the meantime, it’s Valentine’s Week, and in case you’re worrying I don’t love you, I thought I’d reassure you with a poem. Then—because you deserve it, and “less is more” is a lie—I decided to reassure you with a bunch of poems.

This is a gift that keeps on giving, because it means this year you don’t have to confine yourself to blowing a kiss (air kisses are guaranteed gluten-free, even if hubby’s been cheating on you with cookies) or making one of those heart-shaped chocolatey things everyone’s been posting about since January. You can do your boo one better and make your card gluten-free, too!

Jot one of these puppies down in a lopsided heart for guaranteed romance:

Roses are red, violets are blue,
If I could eat gluten, I’d share it with you.

or

Roses are red, violets are blue,
I quit eating bread, but I’ll never quit you.

Or if you, like me, will instead be observing SAD (Singles Awareness Day), or if your taste in chocolate tends more to the bittersweet, I’ve still got you covered. Try this:

Roses are red, violets are blue,
I’d rather get glutened than make out with you.

or

Roses are red, violets are blue,
I’d go on a date, but I’m sick with the sprue.

violets are blue

. . . violets are blue . . .
Photo © M | Flickr

Then, for the descriptivist, there’s:

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Quinoa is white, and sorghum is too.

And, for dear old gluten:

Roses are red, violets are blue,
You hate my guts, and they sure hate you.

Normal small intestines mucosa

. . . and normal small intestine mucosa are pinkish-purple.
Photo © Ed Uthman | Flickr

If you enjoyed, spread the love! It is almost Valentine’s Day, after all.

Share your own gluten-free riffs on the classic in the comments (bonus points for using any rhyme other than “you”—it’s tricky!), and have a happy SAD week.

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