Stumbling across someone you know on OkCupid is so awkward. Worst of all is when it’s an ex. Your cursor hovers over the profile image until curiosity takes over and you have to click, even though you know you’ll show up in his visitors list, and therefore he’ll know you looked. (Then, you check in every hour to see if he peeked at yours, and, if not, wonder why. Did he not check in? Did he resist temptation? Does he just not care?)
Anyway. Here I am, minding my own love life, and who should I come across but our old friend gluten? Naturally, I looked—and now you can, too. (Click for the full-size version.)
I don’t know what I ever saw in him. I valiantly resisted sending a message, but I did rate his profile 1 star, just to be vindictive. And no, he hasn’t viewed mine.
If you’re baffled, you might want to read my previous letters to gluten here and here. If you’ve read them and are still baffled, I can neither blame nor help you.
Savvy OkCupid users will notice I left out the section on gluten’s favorite books, movies, TV shows, music, and food. I did that on purpose so you can help fill it in! Whaddaya say? Is gluten a rhythm & blues kind of guy?
* “Bready for love” profile photo © Oyvind Solstad | Flickr
I love this!!!
Thanks, Lisa. 😀
I see gluten as a fan of Hall and Oates, Buckwheat Zydeco, and, of course, the indie rock band, Wheat (from Massachusetts)!
Great guesses! I’m going to have to look those last two up myself. Buckwheat Zydeco is a great name.
Also, I just realized that he would totally put Catcher in the Rye, just like every other OkCupid guy who hasn’t read a book since high school.
How about Hall & Oats?
Definitely. Hall & Non-Certified-Gluten-Free Oats.
I totally vote for Catcher in the Rye and Eat, Pray, Love. This is absolutely hilarious, like always. Brilliant job! 😉
Thanks, Casey! Eat, Pray, Love, eh? The book or the movie?
Let’s not overthink it on the music… his favourite band would have to be Bread.
Haha! What a sad song! You’re so right; gluten probably listens to this and thinks of me…me and millet.
That song takes me right back to the 70s! I can’t believe I forgot about Bread!
I LOVE your posts, hilarious!!
Molly, you outdo yourself with each new story post. 🙂 (love the you’re / your part at the end) 🙂
I think that part appears in about 80% of OkCupid profiles! It’s simply overrun with self-styled grammar snobs. I might have even had it in mine at one point . . .
This may be one of my favorite posts!
Uh oh, I hope it’s not all downhill from here. 🙂 Thanks, Kathryn!
OMG hilarious! This is truly over the top awesome 🙂
[…] And I know we link to Molly pretty often, but she’s funny. Who else would write up Gluten’s OKCupid dating profile? […]
LOVE This! too funny!
Hopefully OkC doesn’t try to (mis)match you with gluten deliberately.