Tag Archives: gluten-free parody

A declaration of gluten independence

In honor of tomorrow’s Independence Day here in the good USA, I took a break from imagining gluten as my evil ex-boyfriend and personified him instead as the evil ex-king of England. If you too have declared independence from gluten, I hope you’ll join me in signing this important document.

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When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for a People to dissolve the bands which have connected them with a Protein, and to assume among the eaters of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nurture entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all people are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Something Else That I Would Remember Were It Not For the Brain Fog.

That whenever any Way of Eating becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Eaters to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Diet, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing their meals in such form, as to them seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Eating Habits long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the foods to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Inflammation, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such a Diet, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Such has been the patient sufferance of this Body; and such is now the necessity which constrains it to alter its former Systems of Nourishment. The history of Gluten is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these Guts. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Gluten has refused its Assent to the absorption of Nutrients, the most wholesome and necessary for the body’s good.

It has forbidden the Intestines to pass Gases of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended till their Force and Odor be overpowering.

It has called bodies to the lavatory at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of its preferred-ply toilet paper, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with its peristalsis.

It has dissolved Intestinal Barriers repeatedly, for opposing with leak-free firmness its invasions on the rest of the body.

It has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause other tight junctions to be generated, whereby the Digestive Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the Body at large for their exercise; the Organs remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

It has endeavoured to prevent the population of the Toilet; for that purpose obstructing the bowel’s Naturalization of Movement; refusing to pass stools to encourage their migrations to the bowl.

It has sent hither swarms of Antibodies to harass our small intestines and eat out their tiny hairlike structures.

It has kept among us, in times of pizza, Standing Armies of Antibodies without the Consent of our bodies.

It has affected to render the Immune System independent of and antagonistic to the rest of the body.

It has combined with others to subject us to food intolerances foreign to our constitution; giving its Assent to Acts of pretended Immune Regulation:

For quartering large antibodies against tissue transglutaminase among us:

For protecting them from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Villi of these Guts:

For imposing Taxes on our energy without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Denial of Fury:

For abolishing the gluten-free System of Eating in neighbouring Restaurants, establishing therein a Standard American Diet, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render them at once examples and fit instruments for introducing the same foods into these Bodies

For taking away our Appetites, abolishing our most valuable Vitamins, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Excrements:

Gluten has abdicated Nourishment here, by waging War against us.

It has plundered our teeth, ravaged our skin, burnt our hearts, and destroyed our bowels.

It is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Proteins to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy a Food in a civilized nation.

It has constrained our fellow Cells taken Captive to bear Arms against our Villi.

It has excited digestive insurrections within us, and has endeavoured to bring on the merciless Celiac Disease whose known rule of warfare is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions we have Petitioned for Recovery in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Protein, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the staple food of a people.

Nor have we been wanting in attentions to our Oaten brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their fellow grains to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement away from gluten. We have appealed to their native soluble fibers, and we have conjured them to disavow these usurpations, which would, inevitably, interrupt our consumption and enjoyment of them. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of grainkind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the celiac Guts of America, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the gluten-free Bodies, solemnly publish and declare,

That these united Bodies are, and of Right ought to be Gluten-Free and Independent Bodies; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to Wheat, Barley, and Rye, and that all connection between them and Gluten is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Guts, they have full Power to levy War on Gluten, conclude Peace with Villi, not contract additional Diseases, establish Commerce with Companies Providing Gluten-Free Baked Goods, and to do all other Acts and Things which Gluten-Independent Bodies may of right do.

And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of FDA regulations, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Recipes and our sacred Honor.

Signed by
Molly Cavanaugh (and you, if you’d like, in the comments)

let gluten-freedom ring

Happy 4th to my fellow Americans, and to everyone else, a happy gluten independence day. I plan to drink these red, white, and blue “sparklers” and wish I were motivated (and air-conditioned) enough to make patriotic GF cake pops too. 

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Sprue Stories: The Disney Edition

We already know how Beauty and the Beast would go if Belle had celiac disease, but what about all the other Disney characters? We may not have a food-allergic or intolerant Disney princess yet, but that doesn’t mean we can’t pretend. After all, as Walt would say, “If you can dream it, you can do it.” As long as “it” isn’t “eat gluten.”

Check out my versions of the classics, then tell me yours!

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Simba just can’t wait to be king, when he can outlaw offering “just a bite” to people with celiac disease and, for that matter, ban gluten entirely. He’s got it all planned out: “No one sayin’ try this, no one sayin’ eat here; no one bakin’ rye bread, no one brewin’ wheat beer!” Oh, he just can’t wait to be king.

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The Lady didn’t find that shared strand of spaghetti quite so romantic when, an hour later, her typical glutening symptoms started up in full force. “I should have known it wasn’t really made of quinoa,” she raged at the repentant Tramp. “Footloose and collar-free, my tail.” She never trusted a date to pick the restaurant ever again.

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When Gaston was a lad he ate four dozen eggs every morning to help him get large. When this admittedly excessive regimen failed to produce the desired result, his doctor determined he was in fact egg intolerant. So now that he’s grown, he eats five dozen bowls of oatmeal instead, and it seems to be working for him because he’s roughly the size of a barge.

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Ursula, that old sea witch, knew just what she was doing when she struck her bargain with the mermaid. “I’ll make you human for three days,” she crooned, “and if the prince gives you a kiss, you’ll be human forever. If not, you’ll belong to me. I ask just one thing in exchange…your gluten.” Persuaded that giving up gluten for three days couldn’t be that hard, Ariel agreed. But when she found that Ursula’s minions were plying the prince with the bread and cupcakes she’d forsaken, Ariel realized the catch: if she kissed the gluten-eating prince, she wouldn’t herself be gluten-free. When the sun set on the third day with her end of the bargain unfulfilled, Ariel lost her legs, her prince, and her freedom—but at least she regained her gluten.

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Aladdin finally realized that those loaves of bread he kept stealing from the market weren’t doing him any good. And not just in the criminal record department, if you know what I mean. But when he asked his magical friend for help, Genie wrung his big blue hands and said, “Sorry, pal, even I can’t help you with that. Celiac disease is incurable, you know.”

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Cruella was gung-ho about collecting the Dalmatians’ coats for her own—until their fur began falling out, that is. Then she lost interest and set them free. Little did she know it was caused by malnutrition from gluten sensitivity and could have been easily solved by switching kibble brands. When the pups found their way home—all 101 of them—their story was picked up by news and talk shows across the country. A successful online fundraising and awareness campaign paid for their new, more expensive dog food and, as a bonus, sought out and brought to justice Ms. de Vil, who had since moved on to terrorizing animals with better functioning immune systems.

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None of those sorry excuses for men could manage to shimmy up the climbing pole, much less fight off a horde of Huns. But when Mulan cut wheat out of her diet, her brittle bones recovered and her energy soared—as did she, right up to the top of that pole. These days she’s such a changed man—er, woman—that when she looks in the mirror she still can’t recognize her reflection.

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Once the celiac disease epidemic had reached epic proportions, human beings fled the planet, leaving behind only a few robots to scour away every trace of wheat, barley, and rye that remained. They planned to return one day, but with their newly healed digestive systems absorbing nutrients aplenty, they quickly became fat and complacent. And why risk the cross-contamination? Years later, just one lonely robot remains, diligently uprooting stalks of wheat. But the real story begins when Wall-E starts exhibiting signs of gluten sensitivity, too…

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Do you have a new ending for Wall-E or a gluten-free or food-allergy/intolerance spin on The Jungle Book, Ratatouille, or another one? Who’s your favorite Disney hero(ine)/villain? Let me know in the comments!

Photo © Brian Jackson | Flickr

Where (some) dreams come true
Photo © Brian Jackson | Flickr

Pssssst…If you liked this post, check out the fairy tale edition, too.

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