People I wish had celiac disease:
- Hitler: Obviously.
- Stalin: Also obvious.
- Saddam Hussein: You get the point.
- J.K. Rowling*: Because she’d write an instantly best-selling inspirational children’s book series about overcoming celiac disease through the magic of love and friendship. And she’d totally want me for a coauthor.
- Ancient Buddhist monks*: Because then they would not have invented seitan, and I would not have to feel sad I can’t eat it.
- US Farm Bill writers*: Because they would stop subsidizing wheat. (And produce more…corn? Hang on a second.)
- The Cookie Monster: Because it’d be great for awareness.
- Lady Gaga*: Because she flirts with G-free already, and any way I can be more like Lady Gaga sounds good to me.
People I’m glad don’t have celiac disease:
- My mom: Because recipe reformulation or not, I’d hate to see her lose her Twizzlers.
- My brother: Because I’m not sure what he’d do without pizzapastasandwiches.
- The rest of my family: Well, assuming it’s true, that is. GET TESTED.
- Most children: Everyone should have at least 20 years of animal-cracker-gumming, Triscuit-crunching, beer-chugging bliss (sorry, I meant 21 years). If they get it later…well…we all have our cross to bear.*
- Mark Bittman: Because socca seems even cooler when its chief proponent isn’t forced to eat chickpea flour. And because there’s just not as much of a ring to How to Cook Everything Except Wheat, Rye, Barley, and Anything That Might Have Ever Touched One of Those Things.
- 132 out of 133 people: Good for them.
People I wish did not have celiac disease:
- Me: Because it sucks.
- My sister: Because she misses beer, and I feel responsible.
- You: Because you’re awesome, and it’s not. I hope you would still read my blog, though.
People I’m glad have celiac disease:
- No one.
*I don’t really wish celiac disease on anyone besides the evil dudes. And the Cookie Monster, because he’s fictional and it would be hilarious.
Who’s on your lists? I know you’ve got ’em.