Gluten-free knockoffs, poetical and edible

I think that I shall never see
A food you can’t make gluten-free.

This is a happy post! The poem was going to end, “A [food name] that is gluten-free,” but I actually couldn’t come up with anything that some enterprising blogger hadn’t already managed to turn gluten-free.

Croissants, I thought? Gluten-free(Allergy-free, too!)
Pumpernickel, perhaps? Gluten-free.
Vital wheat gluten? Whaa?! Gluten-free.

It’s really encouraging! Apparently ingenuity knows no bounds. Now, if only laziness were so easily overcome…

What do you think—is the internet lying to me? Is there anything you’ve just never been able to replicate without the magic of gluten?

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Villi or von’t I feel better today?

I probably von’t, though I really can’t say.

shrugging md

One of my favorite things to hate about celiac is how slow-going recovery is. A lot of studies, like this one, check in with people after 6 months on the gluten-free diet (GFD), and (most) people feel (mostly) better by then (though most studies don’t say how people felt in between). Jules Dowler Shepard suggests 3 to 6 months for “younger people” and up to 2 years for “older adults.”

I know, I know, healthy intestines, like Rome, aren’t built in a day. But it’s a bit of a bummer that people without diagnoses are going gluten-free left and right and claiming miraculous, instantaneous improvements to their quality of life, while I’m chugging along clutching my GFD prescription and hoping I’m doing it right.

Back in the spring, I tried the ole GFD for about six weeks and observed no real difference. Did I do some stuff wrong? Yup. Did I do most stuff right? Yup. I assumed I didn’t have celiac but figured I’d go back on gluten and get tested anyway. Blood test, biopsy, and oh hey, I do have it. Awesome. This time around, I’m correcting my errors, and I’m trying the no-oats (even “pure”) and no-lactose thing. I cut out drinking, too, just in case it helps—though this has left my friends most displeased. Coffee…oh God, I just, can’t. Yet.

By the way: A lot of research is done on why people don’t adhere to the GFD. Personally, I think an online database of average length of GFD prior to various symptoms improving would be helpful. Like, type your symptom here to find that X percent of people with anemia see resolution after X months, and X percent of people with depression see resolution after X months. Knowing you’ve still got Y weeks or months left to go until you hit the average resolution date would help fortify you, and knowing you’ve already passed the average could prompt you to go to your doctor to discuss the possibility of other complications. I could get back so many hours of my life devoted to Google searching if I had such a reference.

In the meantime, I’ve settled on July 29th, precisely six months from diagnosis, as the magical date upon which I anticipate all of my symptoms will fade away like brain fog off a windshield, or disappear in a puff of hydrogen sulfide. Until then…

Knowing what ails me is making me happy,
But other than that I feel utterly crappy.

Hope you and yours are feeling vell as ve head into the veekend (a long one, for us Americans). One last assignment for this veek: If you have celiac, how long did it take you to feel better? Did you have to throw in any “add-ons” to your gluten-free diet?

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Because nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like a flowchart

Today’s post was going to be an OkCupid profile for gluten, since, as you may recall, we broke up last weekend. Unfortunately, gluten’s not ready to move on, still hanging around trying to wheedle his way back into my good graces—refusing to pick up his tTG collection, sending me flours. I’ve told him and told him, but he’s a sticky little protein composite. Maybe by next Valentine’s he’ll have cleared out for good.

In the meantime, to keep my resolve strong, I thought I’d remind myself of my other options. The world is just full of prospective dates, after all. And sure, needing to date someone who maintains a strict GF diet (or at least waits four hours, eats something else that’s gluten-free, then brushes his teeth before kissing me, just to be safe) narrows the pool to something more like a rivulet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have options. I just have to find someone who likes me. Simple. Oh, and he has to meet a standard or two, but that’s reasonable enough, right?

flowchart begin

Click to start down the warped and twisted way to my little celiac heart.

The fact that I spend my off-work hours making things like this—rather than, oh, I don’t know, dating—may be a minor contributor to my being single this Valentine’s Day. But anyone I ever date will have to like me as I am, flowcharts and all. Plus be funny. And well-read. And employed. I also realized I finished the chart without ever adding vegetarian. Factor that in somewhere between cute and Boggle. Me, picky?

So, enjoy. Happy Valentine’s Day to you, my family, my friends, my new blogosphere buds, and yes, even you, gliadin and glutenin. As for you, avenin? Jury’s still out.

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