April Fools! 6 Gluten-Free Pranks to Play Today

I’ll be back soon with more absences of answers to ever-present questions about celiac disease and other gluten-related disorders, but I thought I’d take a break for April Fools Day.

This day last year, I convinced a few people that Dunkin Donuts would be going all gluten-free by 2015 (sorry!). Between then and now, the chain announced that, although it wouldn’t be dropping wheat from its pastries entirely, as I’d “predicted,” it would introduce wheat-free goods to every store nationwide in 2013.

The gluten-free community got pretty excited about that. But sadly, the joke was on us: Dunkin Donuts reversed the decision months later, with little explanation, before I even got to try one of those shrink-wrapped muffins. A lot of people were disappointed, and truth be told, I felt a bit responsible, as though I’d jinxed it. So this year, none o’ that.

However, superstition aside, there’s no reason not to get what laughs we can out of our chronic disease. If you haven’t yet decided what jokes to make today, here are a few you could try:

“Guess what! I don’t have celiac disease after all.”

Just as it’s good to have an all-purpose GF flour blend (if such a thing really exists), a good all-purpose trick comes in handy, too. Play this prank on just about anyone. Take it to the next level by whipping out a sandwich (which should of course be made with a reasonably uncrumbly gluten-free bread, unless you’re a truly dedicated prankster) and taking a big bite.

Girl eating sandwich

This “gluten” sure is good!
Photo © Jessie Jacobson | Flickr

“Soooo . . . celiac disease is contagious.”

Said with a bit of a wince and an “oopsie” expression, this is handy for that annoying coworker who’s always sticking his gluteny hands into your gluten-free snacks. To kick it up a notch, come up to him later, stare intently at his elbow, and when he asks what you’re doing, say, “Oh, I thought I saw some dermatitis herpetiformis. It’s probably nothing, though.”

“Bad news. They just found out potatoes contain gluten.”

This joke has limited utility. Most people with celiac won’t believe it; most non-celiac people already do.

Mr. Potato Head and family

Personified potatoes: Creepy? Yes. Glutenous? No.
Photo © Jeremy Page | Flickr

“I’m going back to school to become a [dietitian/gastroenterologist/celiac disease researcher].”

This is another good one to use at work, though probably not on your boss. If your parents are still paying off loans from your undergraduate English degree, maybe you’d like to try it on them, too. To really go for it, forge a letter of acceptance to display to the skeptics.

“Turns out, gluten is bad for everyone.”

Several savvy authors have made a killing off of this classic, so why not get in on the fun? Arm yourself with statistics and direct your chosen fool to the library to learn more. If it’s in a book, it must be true.

girl eating bread and yelling

Breeeaaddddd. It’s coming for you!
Photo © Eltjo Poort

“Hey, did you hear about that new gluten-free and vegetarian restaurant opening in Washington Heights next month?”

That’s not funny.

gluten-free restaurants in New York - Gluten-Free Fun map

See this map of gluten-free-friendly NYC establishments created by Erin of Gluten-Free Fun (interactive version here)? Cool, right? See how many are north of Central Park? …yep. But hey, it’s home.

Happy April Fools Day! Hope the jokes are on everyone else and not on you.

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9 thoughts on “April Fools! 6 Gluten-Free Pranks to Play Today

  1. Mary Kate says:

    Yeah, I really am gullible. This holiday is the worst for me!

    • Molly says:

      Did anyone fool you today? No one got me (for long, anyway). The Kitchn did a series of joke posts that I thought were pretty fun. I’m a bit gullible too, but I love that kind of stuff. 🙂

  2. lisamims says:

    I really like the, “Celiac disease is contagious.” I’m going to try that.

  3. Vicky says:

    SO funny Molly! Loved the one about the potatoes – that almost brought tears to my eyes because some people WOULD believe that I think, even coeliacs!

  4. Alisha says:

    I love your blog so much!! This cracked me up.

  5. Molly says:

    Thanks, Vicky and Alisha! Glad you enjoyed!

  6. Dad says:

    You know, last night I was at my yacht club board of directors’ meeting and after everyone (but me) finished chowing down on the sausage, pepper and onion sandwiches on nice white sub rolls, and started discussing how they all had diabetes or pre-diabetes, I thought, well what do you expect eating all that wheat! Maybe it’s not bad for everyone, but after a year+ of going 95% without, I don’t miss it and wonder if maybe most people would be better off without wheat 😉

    • Molly says:

      Weeeelll, that’s also super refined white wheat, not good-quality whole wheat! I think most of us could do with fewer refined carbs, glutenous or not–we can agree there!

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