Category Archives: Fun & Games

26 bulletproof reasons why NOT to go to the gym: from A to Z

Do you like Scattergories? I love it. If you aren’t familiar with the game, the point is to come up with words or phrases that begin with a certain letter (as determined by a die roll) and that fit into various categories on a list. One of my favorite categories is “reasons to be late for school or work,” because there are a million reasons—from “attacked by rabid squirrels” to “zephyr carried me away”—to be running late.

Another category I think I’d excel at, if it existed, is “reasons to skip the gym in the morning.” Once upon a time, I was almost machinelike in my adherence to the six-a-week workout schedule. But these days, despite knowing that exercise is an important part of staying healthy, even (or perhaps especially) for us chronic types, I truly manage to find an excuse for every letter of the alphabet.

Like so:

  • After all, tomorrow is another day
  • Bed’s too warm
  • Can’t find sneakers
  • Dreamed about going (close enough)
  • Eating breakfast sounds better
  • Fitness is overrated
  • Gotta write a blog post
  • Have a chronic disease
  • It’s [snowing/raining/sleeting/windy/dark/cold/hot] outside
  • Just don’t wanna
  • Kept hitting snooze; now it’s too late
  • Lots to do
  • My stomach hurts
  • No energy
  • Over it
  • Playlist is stale
  • Quit caffeine
  • Rest days are important, too
  • Sick (see: H)
  • Toe cramp (see: J)
  • Up too late on Twitter
  • Vile thing, that elliptical
  • Whatever, I look fine
  • Xercise, schmXercise
  • Yeah, yeah, I’ll go in a minute
  • Zzzzzzzzzzz…

gymEvery morning, one must win.

Photos © Allie HolzmanJoint Base Lewis McChord (Flickr)


Do you make excuses? What’s your favorite? Let me know in the comments.

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What gluten means to me…mathematically

Once upon a time, I thought I wanted to be a teacher. Though I wound up in publishing instead (less public speaking), I hung onto some shreds of the dream. Most recently I’m turning them to—possibly—good use as a volunteer SAT tutor.

If you’ve ever wondered whether anything is harder than going gluten-free, teaching is. Apart from being confronted with your lack of any sort of coolness recognized by a high school junior, you also become intimately aware of every gap and shortcoming in your own training and memory. It’s humbling to flip through the tutor manual and realize you’ll need to reteach yourself the math before you can teach it to anyone else.

The manual, donated to the tutoring program by Kaplan, tells me to present the material in a way the kids can relate to. The same tactic comes in handy when reeducating myself. There’s a surprising amount of parallels between the SATs and gluten-free life. For example, “If you don’t know, skip it, because you’re only penalized for getting it wrong” is true of both unfamiliar food and unfamiliar SAT questions.

This also works for understanding specific concepts. Here, for example, is a thorough reintroduction to “systems of equations,” using gluten. If high school is a ways behind you, and your math score, like mine, was <800, you too may appreciate the refresher.

The problem: Solve the system of equations for gluten.

math2

To start, pick either equation, like this one:

math3

Next, subtract gluten from all sides (you got this) in order to isolate celiac (aww).

math4

So a celiac is an unhappy person without gluten. Sounds about right. Plug this definition into the other equation in place of celiac, like so:

math5

Clean it up…

math6

…and isolate gluten. Subtract the unhappiness from both sides…

math7

…and divide by –2 for the answer.

math8

Looks like gluten equals divided feelings, mostly negative. True enough, but we’re not quite through. Since the opposite of happy is unhappy, we can change the negative smiley into a frown…

math9

…add them up…

math9a

…and cancel the twos for the final answer:

math9b

There you have it. Gluten equals unhappiness. I’d say we don’t even have to check that answer.

Don’t worry, I’m not teaching the kids using gluten metaphors (talk about uncool!). Have you ever tried teaching or tutoring? Did/do you like it? How’s my math? And do you agree with the equations’ conclusion?

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Gluten-free piñatas, and other celiac party games

I only just told you about the snacks at our last party, but we’re already menu-planning for the next. This one is in honor of the birth of a certain Libra you all know: my sister! To celebrate, we decided to channel our mom—an excellent themed-party-thrower if ever there was one—and make a piñata.

paper mache piñata in progress

Newspaper is gluten-free and also, unlike most printed products, often vegan.

There was a brief moment when we thought it wouldn’t work: paper mâché is made using flour, and our home is a flour-free zone. I’m also extremely averse to touching anything with gluten in it, inside the house or out. And our piñata dreams were not worth breaking out the sorghum flour.

Fortunately, cornstarch seems to do the trick. I don’t want to speak too soon—the piñata is still hanging in our kitchen to let the first layer dry, where I risk puncturing it prematurely every morning when I forget it’s there and headbutt it in the dark; and we haven’t yet decorated—but so far, so good.

Making the piñata got me thinking about other classic party games that could be made gluten-free. I know by now you’ve all tried Celiac Sorry!, but if you’re itching for more, here it is.

Which sounds like the most fun to you?

Silent line-up

The classic ice breaker. In this version, players must line up in order of their date of diagnosis without communicating out loud. This makes the hierarchy clear early in the party.

Simon says

One player is anointed Simon and calls out commands to the other players. If the command is prefaced with “Simon says,” players must do it. If not, players must not. Disobeying, whether on purpose or by accident, is grounds for dismissal. Nice Simons do not make commands starting with “Simon says” that end in “Eat a pizza.” Mean Simons do.

boy chasing girl in duck, duck, goose game

What we’d all like to do to everyone who glutens us.
Photo © amanky | Flickr

Duck, duck, gluten

All players sit in a circle except for one, who walks around tapping people on the heads one at a time saying, “Duck…duck…” until bored. Then he or she whacks a random person on the head hard enough to daze the seated player and yells “GLUTEN!”

This person, now “the Glutened,” must clamber up and chase the original player around the circle as the remaining players still sitting, do their best to trip the unlucky Glutened—simulating the action of our immune antibodies after we ingest gluten.

If the Glutened catches the Glutener before the Glutener can sit in the Glutened’s original spot, the Glutened wins, and has a full recovery. But otherwise, the Glutened is so consumed by gluten that he/she becomes the new Glutener, spitefully paying it forward to another poor duck. (Two things: 1) that’s not really how it works. 2) Ducks with celiac disease would be sad. They’d miss out on all the bread crumbs.)

Pin the villus on the intestinal lining

If you misplace the villus under the intestinal lining, then your villus is blunted. You lose.

Hide and sleep

Besides one, all players find cozy hiding spots. Being typically fatigued, they take the respite from socializing as an opportunity to catch some Zs. The remaining player tries to find them until brainfog sets in, then wanders off in search of gluten-free cake.

cat sleeping under blanket

Cats are really good at this game.
Photo © Yuxuan Wang | Flickr

Scavenger hunt

Everyone is given a list and set loose in a grocery store to find items such as “gluten-free sourdough pretzels” and “gluten-free filo dough.” They emerge hours later, groggy and miserable, having not found any of the items and cursing whoever wrote that stupid list. To lift their spirits, they binge on gluten-free cake.

Gluten-villus-celiac

Like rock-paper-scissors. Gluten flattens villus; villus starves celiac; celiac eliminates gluten.

Bobbing for apples

It’s like the traditional version, except no one trusts the gluten-freedom of the other players’ mouths enough to stick their own face into a shared bucket of water. Everyone stands around looking at the apples for a while, then wanders off to find gluten-free cake.

Donuts on a string

Forget it. GF donuts are too expensive to drop half of them on the ground.

The flour game

I discovered this on a UK “traditional party games” site, and it is so not gluten-free. I quote:

“Firstly you need to make the ‘flour cake’ by tightly compacting flour into a medium sized mixing bowl. Then turn this out on to a board and top with a large chunk of Mars bar. Each child takes it in turns to slice away sections of the flour cake ensuring the chunk of chocolate remains at the top. The child who eventually topples the chocolate from the top has to find it with their teeth.”

Basically, it’s Jenga, gone oh-so-wrong (especially in an age of increased allergies!).

*

And there you go! With the exception of that last one—unless you substitute cornstarch—you’re ready for your next celiac-themed birthday party.

As for us? No, we probably won’t play these, and our theme isn’t really “gluten-free.” But the food, drinks, piñata, and candy will be gluten-free (and nut-free!), and those in search of gluten-free cake will not be disappointed. Cross your fingers for us that the piñata actually breaks.

What’s your favorite party or parlor game? Do you prefer parties with or without themes? Have you ever made a piñata, and what candy did you fill it with? (P.S. Are we too old for piñatas?)

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Drumroll, please…

Well, the GFAF Expo is behind us, and so too—finally—is my giveaway. I did the drawing last night, old school, by printing out all of your comments and tweets and combining them together into what seemed like an appropriate receptacle:

Gluten-Free and Allergy-Free Expo giveaway drawing tote bag

Check out my book collection in the background. Yep, that’s Living Gluten-Free for Dummies on the left. No shame.

I tried to take a picture of my sister as she drew the winner, but she was not having it. We’ll have to content ourselves with an image of the lucky winning ticket, instead:

Congrats, Barbara!

Congrats, Barbara! And how perfect that someone new to the game would get a bag full of goodies to try. I think we can ALL feel like winners here.

Thanks to everyone who took my personality quiz and participated in the giveaway. I had fun dreaming up the personality types and hope you enjoyed the quiz. You can still take it, if you haven’t yet (just for fun). If you do, I hope you’ll let me know what you score!

Since a few people asked, I thought I’d share all the possible personality types and their descriptions. If you want to take the quiz, maybe don’t read these first. Though I’ve heard that spoilers actually increase enjoyment, so maybe you should. I’ll leave it up to you.

We wound up with a preponderance of Celiactivists…not so surprising, considering the milieu, but there were a smattering of the other types. Here they are:

Celiactivist


Celiactivist - celiac activist spreading awareness

Photo © CALI | Flickr

You are a Celiactivist. You know everything there is to know about gluten, and you’re happy to inform anyone who doesn’t. You’re active in the celiac community on- and offline, and I’m flattered and flabbergasted that you found the time to take my humble little quiz. Thank you. Now get out of here and get back to making the world a gluten-freer place. (After commenting, of course.)

Spr00b


Spr00b - new to celiac disease, newly diagnosed - welcome to Newbie, please drive carefully street sign

Photo © Anne | Flickr

You are a Spr00b. You were recently diagnosed and, to put it “bluntly,” you still don’t know nuthin’ about nuthin’. But you sure are eager to learn, and you’ll get there! Try the quiz again in a month. It’s amazing how much time you have to Google your condition once you stop going out to eat.

Silent Celiac


You are a Silent Celiac. You don’t get what the big deal is about awareness and you just want to live your life. You didn’t ask to have celiac and you aren’t going to let it define you. You follow a gluten-free diet, and you may indulge in a blog or two (like mine—good choice!), but for the most part you do your best to forget that you’re sick, and you hope others don’t focus on it, either.

Villian


You are a villian. You have biopsy-confirmed celiac disease, but your callous attitude toward gluten consumption makes you an enemy at best to yourself and at worst to the community at large. You regularly spout mistruths about the disease or give in to the temptation to “cheat” on the diet. It’s not so much that I hate your guts, it’s more that your guts hate you.

My Mom


You are probably my mom. You don’t have celiac disease, so I don’t know why you’d be reading my blog or taking my quiz unless you loved me very very much.[Edit: Actually, even my mom didn’t take the quiz. Go figure.]

It’s also possible, of course, that I got some of you completely wrong because you actually have non-celiac gluten sensitivity. But honestly, if the top researchers in the world can’t agree on a standard for diagnosing this, I’m not going to claim to, either.


In the comments, tell me about the VILLIANS you love to hate, your favorite CELIACTIVIST bloggers, or fond memories of your own SPR00B days. Are there any types you’ve come across that I didn’t include?

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