I’m starting to get a bit loopy because I still can’t sleep, and it’s been a while since my last sprue redo. So, here’s a children’s book for our generation of rapidly proliferating food allergies and gluten-related disorders—in honor of the one month of the year when we celiac types feel just a bit more comfortable making demands (uh, requests). Enjoy!
If you give a celiac mouse a cookie, she’ll ask if it’s gluten-free.
If you give her a gluten-free cookie, she’ll gobble it down and ask for a cup of milk.
If you give her a cup of milk, she’ll ask if it’s lactose-free, because her villi are still healing so she can’t produce lactase.
If you give her a new cup of soy milk, she’ll ask if you’re SURE the cookie was gluten-free, because she’s starting to feel a bit glutened.
If you show her the package label, she’ll ask for a mirror so she can check whether her dermatitis herpetiformis is flaring.
When she remembers she never had DH in the first place, she’ll scratch herself all over and say, “But I do feel itchy. Maybe it’s the soy.”
Then she’ll ask for a place to lie down because she feels fatigued. Then pester you for a bedtime story because now that she’s in bed the insomnia’s come on. Then finally drift off and sleep for about, oh, three days.
When she wakes up, if she’s not the smartest celiac mouse, she’ll ask for another cookie.
And since you don’t particularly want any gluten-free cookies yourself, you’ll give her one.*
*No offense intended to the many bakers and manufacturers of delicious gluten-free cookies. In fact, I could go for a delicious gluten-free cookie right now. Couldn’t you?